Each week I release a free video message with tips on creating and maintaining healthy parent/child relationships. I call my weekly video - "You Are Destined For Greatness" because I have full faith that you my friend, were born to be extraordinary!
So sign up, kick back, and get ready to wrangle some wisdom!
Sign up for
You Are Destined For Greatness here
.jpg)
.jpg)
The Country Code is more than words—it’s a way forward. A guide to inspire, uplift, and empower you when life feels overwhelming.
Print it. Frame it. Live It. Love It.
Live by the Country Code.
It’s time to Thrive!
Shane Jacob
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this episode of the Horsemanship Journey Podcast. My name is Shane Jacob, your host, and I thank you for taking your time to be here with me today.
You know, horses mirror us. Sometimes that's, I'm saying that's pretty nice when you're proud of what they're doing and making you look good. And sometimes it's pretty hard to admit and to take that. What's going on there could be a result of what you're doing.
You know, I've been working with horses and people for a long time. I've for a long, long time. And one thing that I've noticed with horses and people, I've noticed a couple of patterns. I've noticed this in my own journey. And I've noticed this in, you know, people as they get into horses, there's kind of a cycle that most of us go through when we get a horse.
When we first experience, let's just say that we get our first horse. And the first thing we have is excitement. Mean, we're living our dream. This thing is going to be fun. We have all this expectation, a lot of expectation usually wrapped up in it.
But it seems like most of the time that excitement fades pretty fast. And usually what happens is, is we find out that that horse just isn't going to do what we want it to do all the time.
And they told us he'd never make a mistake and he never had when he bought him, but they do. And then they don't always do what we want them to. And then so that initial excitement, it kind of fades, it starts to fade pretty fast, and then it can turn into frustration.
Sometimes the horse not only won't do what we want it to, it starts doing new things, developing new unwanted habits. And so it just kind of progresses into more and more frustration.
And as our frustration builds, we're trying to solve the problem. Like, what the hell's matter with you horse? You know? And so we do a whole bunch of things.
We look around and try to see if we can figure out how to fix the horse. You know, we buy all kinds of supplements, and we buy a new saddle and a new tack and a new bit. Sometimes we get a new horse trailer if he won't load, or we get a ramp on our horse trailer. If we have ramp, we get one without a ramp, or we get one that's taller or bigger or wider.
And we do all these things trying to figure out what is wrong with this horse and how we can get him to do what we want him to do. And sometimes we even go to controlling, trying to control the circumstances around what's about around our riding.
You know, like we'll only ride when it's a calm, when the wind's not blowing and it's sunny, you know, or we'll only ride when like no one's around and it looks like no one's going to be around because we don't want the horse to get distracted and spook. And it goes on from there, right?
So despite all the things that we're trying to do to fix this horse, the frustration, it a lot of times turns into fear because the horse starts to do something or we fall off or we get stepped on or hurt or we think we're going to.
And so either the frustration keeps building or else we start to add fear to it. And at some point along the way, usually one of two things happens with most owners.
And that is, that we either give up and quit riding, we just let the horse become an expensive pet or we sell it. Or the other thing that happens is that we take responsibility for what's happening ourselves instead of always thinking the horse is going to be the one that, you know, what the hell's matter with the horse.
And that's kind of an important point, you know, an important part of a person's journey in horsemanship is the moment if that ever happens, sometimes it never does happen. And it happens in varying degrees that we come to realize that what's going on here, it's not always the horse.
Sometimes it's like that horse does this and that horse, he cheats the corner if he's an open horse or he does this or he does that and on and on and on it goes. If they won't, if we don't know how to, if we don't know how to remedy the problem, a lot of times we just sell it or get a new horse or else we quit or get afraid.
And so a lot of times this initial excitement, it just turns out to be a not happy ending unless you make the second decision, which is if you can come to know that, you know, take responsibility in yourself and start looking here instead of trying to look at the horse to constantly solve the problem.
Now the horse is in this thing, right? He's half the deal. He's half the relationship. But most of the time when things are going bad, we're not looking here, we're looking there. And that's what I'm talking about today.
Much of what that horse is doing is a reflection, is mirrored in what we're doing, in our actions, in our emotions, in what's going on with us. The more weget frustrated, that horse is queuing in on that. He's mirroring that.
And this cycle just continues to go and go and go.
So this is where horsemanship and riding has a parallel with parenting and relationships with people because what the deal is, is the great horsemen and people and trainers and people who are able to achieve remarkable partnerships with willing participants and do cool, amazing things on horses are the people who are looking inward to solve the problems instead of pointing a finger at the horse and feel helpless and powerless.
Because when they, you know, we've talked about this before, personal responsibility is saying, what can I do? Right? And really, and of course, the same principles apply for parenting.
So when your kid, when your teen, when your son or daughter, when they're doing something that you don't want them to do, when they're doing behavior that you don't agree with or is against your rules, it's really easy to do the same thing that people kind of naturally do with horses in the beginning. And that is, it's just a focus on what they're doing wrong.
You know, it's like, what the hell are you doing? Like, what is your problem? You know, these kids these days.
At my stage of the game right now, I've had a challenge with this because what I'm talking about isn't easy. I'll say it wasn't easy for me. It's still not sometimes, and I haven't fully got it, got this skill mastered.
Because at this stage of the game, my frustration can come with the people that work for me, right? I'm like, man, what are you guys doing? Why are you doing that? My focus is constantly out there. Or I'll say it has been instead of just saying, how can I solve this situation?
And it's really easy to do, right? As a parent, your kids are acting out. I mean, you got everything going on. You're trying to make a living. You're trying to manage this household. You're trying to support and provide and get them to class and get them to school and have them grow up to be responsible human beings.
I mean, it's a big deal, plus take care of yourself and your spouse if you have one. Or if not, it's even worse maybe. And so, and the rest of your extended family and your friends and what the hell, everything reflects on what you're doing.
And so parenting is a big deal. You got a lot of stuff going on. And then all of a sudden, your kids are acting out and then somebody's coming along and saying, you know, don't blow up.
Which is a lot easier said than done, right?
But here's the deal. The key to solving the problem and having a better outcome for yourself and your kids is to begin here instead of looking over there.
So here's a real-life example, okay? This is like one I can just think of. Your kid's playing too much, too many video games for too long, okay? Way too much time playing video games. It's driving you crazy.
And you think, what is the matter with this kid? Why are they wasting so much time? I've told them to stop. I don't know why they won't listen. What's the matter with them? Is it their friends? I don't know what they're teaching them in school. I don't know what this generation is going to turn out to be, blah, blah, blah. Everything—them, them, them, them, them.
And so you feel this frustration, and sometimes it's even anger. You might react. You might yell at them. You might punish them with new rules, just like eliminate all video games.
And the result is, okay, here's what the result's gonna be with that reaction. Your teen's gonna feel probably more resentful, more misunderstood, and then the cycle's just gonna continue, whatever that cycle is, okay?
And you're not gonna be happy with yourself in the way that you showed up and presented in this thing anyway. So it's not gonna be good.
So just take a quick flip of the script, and let's just say that you could have the wherewithal, okay, in those moments to just take a moment until you can develop the habit to say, hey, how am I contributing to this problem?
And really take a close look. I mean, what am I modeling? Okay. Am I modeling the kind of behavior, the kind of human being, the kind of reaction, the kind of activity, the kind of way that I'm running my life that I want my kids to, that I want them to see?
And then you might ask yourself, if you believe that you can show up in a position that you want to, that you're gonna be proud of, then the next question might be is, think to yourself, well, I wonder how they're feeling and what's going on with them and what's driving this behavior.
Because chances are, that could be a pretty good key to solving the problem.
So when you're ready, okay, and you approach your son or daughter, your teen, as a calm, confident leader, okay, and you show consideration, give them respect, and show consideration, honor their story—like Joe Crusoe says—you ask open-ended questions, and you listen.
You give them space. You hear what they have to say. You have a respectful…what's the word I'm looking for? You have a respectful, reasonable conversation, okay, about the rules, about the reasons behind them, and the consequences if they don't follow the rules.
And you know, here's the thing. Even if they don't respond exactly how you hoped for in this second scenario, you can take pride in how you showed up as a parent, and it's going to come out in so many other ways.
It's going to come out in how they respond to you. Maybe it's not exactly right, right in this moment, but it's going to be. When you walk away from this thing, you're going to feel better about you, okay?
And I can guarantee you this will happen. What happens with me a lot of times is, something will happen. I'll look at the result. Let's just say, here's my example with me, with the people that work for me.
Phone rings and, "Hey, I got to talk to you." I'm like bracing because I already know it's going to be bad. "All right, what's going on? Tell me what it is."
"Well, so and so did this and this and this and this," and automatically, I start to feel, you know, this is going to be expensive. Can we afford it? How much does it cost? What are the repercussions for the thing? Why didn't anybody know better? What's he thinking?
You know, I'm just constantly—if my default is to go into fear, into frustration, into anger, and just think, well, how could this have happened? You know, we've told them and told them—and maybe we have or haven't—but whatever the thoughts are, they're totally focused on whatever is outside of me and what seems to be the pending problem.
When I do this, the way that I react is I don't make people feel good. You know, when I react, when I react out of that anger, even if I go to solve the problem.
And I'm not really blowing up. I have this attitude rolling around the back. It's coming out. You know what I'm saying? They can feel it. And they know. They can see my kind of disgust, and how could they do this? You know what I'm saying?
Our kids feel the same way.
And so one of the things that I learned, that I practiced, is just breathing, taking a break, and just working on changing my thoughts to, I'm the one.
One of the thoughts I use here that you might be able to want to try and think about adopting is, I think, I'm the one that can make this situation better.
Okay. I used to—I tried on a lot of different thoughts, tried to trade out thoughts to see which ones would work better for me. I tried things like, you know, I'm fully responsible for all this, which is true, but that seemed just like too—it didn't really, it wasn't really hitting home with me.
But when I looked at it as, I am the one who can. I'm the one who can make this situation better. I can make this situation better as it is, and I can make it better in the future. I know how to do what I can to prevent it in the future. And I'm the one right now that can make this better.
I'm the one that can make it better. And when I look to me and I say, and I use that thought, that's been working for me a lot, right? I've used it a lot.
What happens is, is that I start to think, I start to think more proactively, more positively. And I look at the situation and I actually take them into consideration. Say, okay, was this done intentionally? What could I have done? What didn't they know? How did we not make this, you know, as good as we can? How, or, and then when I go to whoever it is that I believe created the problem or who the responsible person is or who we need to change something to not have it do in the future.
The way that I come out of them, okay, after having thought and deciding what these steps that I went through with you, thinking through, I wonder how they're feeling, which I don't, it doesn't take a long time to think this. I just take them into consideration and say, when I go and talk to them, I'm gonna be consciously aware of how they feel, okay? I'm gonna hear what they have to say. And you know what the thing of it is? Most of the time when I go talk to them, they already feel bad.
The last thing they need is me jumping down their throat, you know, and like attacking them, and they get this feeling of disgust because they suck and all this. And that's not what they need, and it makes it worse. And people don't feel good and then the result gets worse and worse and worse, and it's a terrible cycle.
So when I have changed that thought to, I'm the one that can make this better, and then I think, I know before I go and actually address whoever it is, that I'm going to take into consideration, I'm going to respect them as a human being. I'm going to take into consideration how they feel, okay? How they feel about this thing, which has been kind of hard to do sometimes because a lot of times there's a lot of stuff at stake and I have to really, really work on changing that thought, okay?
But what happens when I do, okay? When I get this done and I treat them that way and I let them know, hey, this is okay. We're not going to do it again, it's not okay to keep doing.
But I see, you know, it seems like you… When I honor their story, when I give them consideration, and when I treat them with more respect, like the human being that they deserve, regardless of what they've done, okay? When I have my anger and my frustration under control, I get a better result.
I don't just get a better result that day, I get a better result tomorrow and in the future. You know, parenting with intention means it's… it just means that you're doing all that you can to show up as your best self and accepting that even so, that your teen has the agency to make their own decisions. You don't have any control over that.
But as long as you're showing up, doing all that you can do, and being proud of yourself for how you're showing up, that this…
When you go about it that way, it doesn't just feel good. It feels good, okay? Because it is good. And it has a better outcome, okay? It has the outcome that's closer aligned to what you want to have happen.
And so the awareness and the effort that you put in is going to yield real results. Real results, okay? In your relationships and in your outcomes. They're just going to be a better outcome for you and for your family.
So just a couple of… just a recap here on the points here is that, you know, it's not a perfect world. It's not gonna… Sometimes you're gonna react on whatever it is. But the more times that we can form a habit of just slowing down and saying, hey, how are they mirroring what I'm doing already? Okay.
What, now I influenced that? I'm upset with right now. I mean, sometimes that's a pretty hard pill to swallow, or I like to say horse pill to swallow ,right? How am I affecting what's happening?
Because truly, horses and teens mirror us in a lot of ways, right? We're being reflected in what's — whether it's good or bad. And that's just the way that life is.
And so when we take time to acknowledge that, show up with intention, on purpose, the way that we want to — like confident leaders that we can be when we choose to — when we take them into consideration and honor their perspective and just take the time to listen openly, then we're on our way to a proactive solution and better cooperation.
It's not a perfect world. It's not always gonna work out the way you want it to, but it's gonna work out better and more aligned with the way that you'd like it to be when you do that action rather than be outward-focused on what's not happening with them.
I think that's the bottom line and the key takeaways there. Progress takes time. Looking inward — solution.
I guess the last point here is that your influence does matter. The kids are watching. Horses are watching. They see everything. It's almost like they have eyes in the back of their head.
Horses and kids are watching, and if their eyes aren't on you, they feel it. You know what I'm saying? So your influence does matter, and it does have an impact.
Hey, you're doing good things, and we're here to help you keep doing more things better.
Remember, you cannot fail as long as you Don't Ever Stop Chasing It.
