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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this episode of The Horsemanship Journey podcast. My name is Shane Jacob, your host, and I appreciate you taking your time to be here with me today.
Today we've got a good subject, one that's really interesting to think about and to observe. You know, because the thing of it is, being the parent of a teen or being a parent period, sometimes it's an emotional roller coaster. And especially as teens, as our kids start to grow up and they start to detach and separate from us, they start to form their own identities, that can be very challenging. It can be part of the emotional roller coaster. So it's kind of interesting to observe.
I have a parallel today. If you look at young foals and mares in the future and how that goes, I had a stud horse for quite a while, and so I had a chance to observe domestic mares and foals up close.
And then go through the weaning process, which is, you know, of course, separating them to where they become their own individual horses. They're no longer together to go through that process. And eventually, they become full-grown and mature and all that. There's a couple of lessons I think that are valuable that we can look at with horses that we can relate to.
So if you look at horses in the wild with a newborn, it's just like pretty much any animal that I've seen with a newborn. Those mares are fiercely protective. You know what I'm saying? So we have a mare or the mother who is just so attentive to every movement and every breath of that newborn foal. She's constantly on alert. Nobody's coming near.
A lot of times with a domestic horse, you need to use caution if you're going to enter a small area stall or a corral with a newborn foal because that mare is so protective. She could hurt you a lot of times if you go near a newborn.
Also, on the other side of it, the newborn instinctively knows that this foal knows that he's supposed to stay close to mom. I don't know how they know. They know how to stand up immediately and nurse within an hour. And then they also know they need to stay close, and they do for quite awhile, really for a month or plus. That mare is staying right with him or her, and the foal is staying close to the mother. It doesn't venture out very much.
Of course, as they age, the foal starts to leave and go further and further out by himself. The mare starts to allow and doesn't go with him and starts to allow him to venture out more and more. And so gradually, her protective instinct goes down, and he ventures out further and further. By the time the horse in the wild is nine months old, she doesn't allow him to nurse anymore, even when he does come around. Eventually, they maintain a bond for up to two or three years. Even if they're separated, it's interesting to note that research has proven that when they bring them back together, they still recognize each other.
This whole natural process is kind of interesting to observe, but it's not a perfect process either. Mares become so aggressive in protecting that they can injure other horses or people. In the case of a domestic mare, like I said, they can inadvertently hurt their own foal just in an act of aggression to protect him. They can be hard on other horses or other foals that are coming by in a pasture or something like that.
The thing of it is, as parents, this process of separation and detachment as our kids mature is not a perfect process either. As parents, if we're not careful, we just default. We react in ways that can actually be harmful to our kids.
It's natural, of course, for teenagers and kids to eventually seek independence as they get older and older. They separate, they pull away, they start to form their identities, and they gravitate towards their peers. But see, here's the thing that a lot of times we forget as parents— they have to detach from us.
I mean, a lot of times we don't really think that through. At least I know I didn't, right? I didn't really realize that this once clingy child that I took care of and fully depended on me is going to turn a corner and not so much need me anymore for certain things and eventually just be completely independent by themselves. And so that process, if we're not aware of it, we can do things that are just not helpful. As a matter of fact, they can be harmful to our kids.
So what I'm talking about is what happens when they begin that if we're not prepared for it, right? So it's easy to think thoughts like, "Well, you know, why don't they want to be with me? They don't even appreciate me anymore, and they're spoiled, and I've just spoiled them, and I don't know what I've done."
And then we start to think about ourselves, right? Because we kind of get our feelings hurt. We can take it personally, and we start to have all these thoughts because our kids start to have less and less to do with us. They start, you know, walking 10 feet behind you and wanting off two blocks before you get to school.
I remember when I was a young man, I came from a family of seven siblings. My mom has eight children in total with me. At one point, she got us these — I can't remember — she used to make a lot of shirts for us, but we all had matching shirts.
So we had to get this picture. And for whatever reason, she thought we needed to go to the mall to get the picture. I don't know. It's what we did back then, I guess. That's what we did. So anyway, we've all got to go to the mall — eight kids or however many. It might have only been six or seven at this time that were born by then. But so my mom and dad and all of us kids, however many there were, we're going to the mall to this little studio to get a picture taken in our matching Western shirts.
By this time, I was, I don't know, in my late teens, or I couldn't have even been 20-ish. I don't know. We get to the mall. Okay. And all of us kids, you know, down to however old they were — the older kids that were in high school and junior high and me — we all like separated and went to all different doors around this ginormous building because we didn't want to be seen all going together.
It's just an example. I don't remember my mom and dad being particularly thrilled about how we handled that, but we all met up in this studio and then we separated again and met back up at the car.
So like I was saying, the question is, when this happens, are you prepared? If not, what can happen is we just default to things like, "They don't care about me anymore." "They don't appreciate what I've done." "I failed as a parent because I'm losing the relationship." Or, "Why am I feeling this loss of connection that I once had?"
What happens a lot is we react. We try to force things that we probably shouldn't, and we just react with anger. We're not coming out as good as we can, and it ends up having a negative impact. There are so many things that we can think if we default. If we're not prepared for it, it results in increasing conflict, which results in further and further distancing, separation, and less connection — which is what we're so upset with sometimes to start with.
It's important to remember that this is a phase of separation, and it's normal. It's not just normal — it's a necessary part of evolution and growing up. Sometimes kids lash out, saying things like, "Leave me alone," or "I want to be alone," or "Can't you just leave me alone?"
It's hard to handle that. I'm not saying that it's easy when we start having this behavior because it's a big switch for us parents too, right? Like I said, we're used to them really needing us, and when we can fulfill that need, it makes us feel good. Then all of a sudden, they need us less and less. We're going, "You know, it kind of hurts." And then we're sort of looking to them to help solve our emotional problem, and then we act out in ways that don't help them. It's harmful. So, it's hard to handle, but it's part of the deal, right?
Because they must separate themselves. The baby birds are gonna have to stand up. Part of their identity is to become more associated with their peers — people their own age. As they start to answer questions like, "Who am I?" they begin to establish their own identity, their own sense of self.
They're starting to establish their beliefs about themselves. Since you're not their same age or size, they're going to people their own age and size. They're communicating with them more than, a lot of times, they're communicating with their parents about who they're going to become. But establishing those relationships with their peers is also an important part of the deal.
As parents, one of the big keys is determining the difference between healthy separation and detachment from unhealthy isolation. Because isolation is nothing to mess around with — it is serious business.
So let's talk about that. How do we distinguish the difference? How do we know the balance? Sometimes it can feel like, "How am I supposed to know? I don't know the difference. It's so hard." It's so much pressure between too much and not enough.
So there's four questions that you can ask yourself that help to determine where you're at with this detachment.
Now, this is a subjective answer. I realize that, but here's the deal. As a parent, we usually have a sense of what is good for our kids or not. Okay. Most of the time, if we don't, if we can't clearly answer it, we're truly confused. We don't know. I recommend just checking with a medical professional, okay, and see if this amount of separation is what would be considered to be unhealthy or not. I think most of the time we know.
In other words, if we have agreements set in place, are they keeping the family agreements? Are they keeping the family rules as they distance themselves? Okay. If they're not, it's not an excuse to not keep the family rules. That's a whole separate thing. But if they're detaching and separating inside of our established agreements and boundaries, that's number two.
The third question is for us right now. As soon as we've established this is healthy and they're not breaking the rules, is to look right here, which is what we always do and say, hey, what's going on with me? What am I feeling in this? And just have some awareness around it. Take a moment, take some moments to identify and to understand what is going on, what our emotions are, right? What we're feeling. Are we having emotions? Are we feeling fearful? Are we feeling insecurity, unmet expectations?
You know, what's stirring around ourselves that we can resolve and take care of here before it has a negative repercussion out there? Okay. That's number three. What am I feeling?
That's the fourth question. What steps can you take to encourage independence while at the same time maintaining your presence as a loving, confident leader?
As hard as it is to let go and to go through this transition as a parent, it's extremely important to remember that the goal is to raise a respectful, independent, capable adult, right? Or to help them develop into that.
So when you're prepared mentally for the transition, it's just so much easier to approach it with unconditional love and understanding instead of resistance.
Just like foals, they need a lot of time to become self-sufficient horses. Teens need time and space to become their own people. When we regulate our own emotions and we respond with intention thoughtfully, we demonstrate to our children how we handle challenges with respect and confidence.
When we show up with respect and confidence, then we're showing them. It teaches them. We're leading by example.
Parenting is never perfect. It's not going to be that way today and it's not going to be that way tomorrow. But what really matters most is that we just are showing up with intention, right? Even when things feel chaotic, that we're taking time to look at ourselves and get ourselves where we want to be so that we can show up like the kind of leader that we want to be.
Stable Living coaching, that's what we do. We offer strategies and tools to help parents and teens to go through these tricky years And all the things that go along with it so that they show up with more confidence and have more connection.
You can always find out more about Stable Living coaching at thehorsemanshipjourney.com.
Thank you for being with me today. Remember, you cannot fail as long as you Don't Ever Stop Chasin It.
