Transcript:

Shane Jacob
Welcome to this episode of The Horsemanship Journey Podcast. My name is Shane Jacob, your host, and I thank you for taking your time to be here with me today. This episode is brought to you by Cowboy Cuffs. I'm sporting one of their shirts today. This particular one is unnamed, but I really like it. I didn’t like it as much on the hanger as I like it wearing it. Anyway, appreciate Cowboy Cuffs. Elevate your style, elevate your life.

Today, the topic is I want to talk a little bit about horses being together. You know, the thing about it is you see horses together in a group, turned out together, or you may see horses in a pasture in a group. They look happy, and it makes you feel good. They're such social animals, and they get along so well sometimes. The thing about it is, a lot of times what you don’t realize is that the peaceful scene you see in that group of horses came after a lot of contention—deciding who's who in the pecking order and what the social order is. That can be pretty brutal sometimes.

Horses will fight over feed, over resources, or food and shelter. They may also fight about just allowing new horses to come into the group. A lot of times, stallions and mares are constantly having fights. Mares can be extremely hardon stallions. Stallions can be extremely hard on geldings. I find it interesting, too, that when I turn horses out together, one thing I've noticed is that in a group of horses just turned out—whether in our little turnout pen, arena, or pasture—usually, unless you have a very aggressive horse, when you bring a new horse into the group, the new horse is low man on the totem pole.

The rest of them, even the one at the bottom, will move up a little bit. That’s kind of interesting to notice. It’s also interesting to watch how they sort out who's who and who gets to eat in what order, and so on.

We take a lot of caution when we put horses together because it’s a risk. It’s a very big risk, especially considering horses are valued as highly as they are. Injury is real. They can get seriously damaged getting kicked and breaking a leg, for example. Mostly, it’s getting kicked. Usually, the bites heal up, but there’s a lot of that that goes on, too.

The same thing goes for transport or even in stalls in the barn. Horses will constantly try to fight through the fence. One thing to note about this is that horses are usually better when they’re supervised or when they’re being ridden or handled. Most of the time, they’ll set aside their social order when you come in and establish yourself as the leader, as the rider, or the handler.

It’s interesting to note that kids sometimes do the same thing. They don’t act the same at home under supervision as they do at school. The thing is, kids have a pecking order. They’re kind of similar to horses in that way.

This pecking order continues throughout high school and sometimes even into young adulthood. Bullying happens. Bullying is a real thing. Most of the focus when we talk about bullying is on what to do in defense when your kid is being bullied. That’s what most of the conversation is about, which is a good thing. It’s extremely important to be aware and involved—see if your kids are isolating, becoming depressed, or if something’s wrong.

It’s so important to be aware of what’s going on. Get help from teachers and leaders, document things, and sometimes just tell someone. Having our kids talk to us is crucial so we can do our best to protect them. We do need to have that defense—sometimes reporting to the authorities, as I said. Some strategies suggest ignoring the bully. Others suggest telling them to stop doing whatever it is they’re doing.

I think it’s a good strategy to unite against bullying. If you can have other people in your circle too, I don’t know, stand up to it—whatever “stand up” means other than fighting back—but at least attempt to have a group of people who will oppose the bad behavior of the bully.

These are good things. I did want to say it’s true that sometimes kids act differently at home. When I was in sixth grade, my teacher was Mr. Thompson. Bless his heart. I didn’t recognize his authority the same way I recognized my dad’s authority. So, I tried to take advantage of his perceived weakness until one day, he swatted me pretty hard across the face.

I was stunned. I had one thought in my mind: I hope he doesn’t tell my dad. Now, all these years later, I’m thinking he might have been hoping I didn’t tell my dad—or the principal, or somebody like that. Anyway, I came back the next day. I’m not necessarily advocating swatting people, but I came back the next day, and that was the end of that. He established his authority in a ruthless way, and it changed me as a sixth grader for the rest of that year. But anyway, that was another time.

The important thing here is bullying does happen, and it can take a toll. It can be a serious thing. Most of the focus is on defense, but here’s what I want to talk about. Okay, well, how about this before we go there? What if your kid’s the bully? I mean, the bully to somebody. I mean, how are you going to feel about that, and how are you going to deal with that? At some level, that has to be okay. Let me clarify—not to say being a bully is okay.

What I mean is that it has to be okay with you that it’s happening. It has to be okay in the sense that your kid is fixable. It doesn’t have to affect his long-term life value just because he’s having some bad behavior. Knowing that from the start helps keep you from avoiding it, right? From being embarrassed and all the things that won’t help you solve the problem.

That’s what I mean by it being okay. It shouldn’t take such a toll on you that you can’t handle the situation and try to improve it and stop the bullying. So, where does it come from, and what are the answers? Now, my solution may not be popular. This is kind of a bold statement, but here’s what I honestly believe, and I’ve seen it, and I’ve experienced it. This is why:

I believe there are two things that are going to have the biggest impact. Number one is to look at ourselves as parents. How are we showing up? What example are we setting? Are we showing up as confident, calm leaders? Period. Are we? Yes or no?

Because I’m here to tell you that confidence is the best defense against bullying. Period. The best defense. When your kids show up to school like, “I own this school,” self-confident, walking straight, walking tall, the odds of them being bullied go way down.

Okay, so how do you create that? How do you help your kids have that confident feeling? First of all, what is confidence? Let me backtrack. Like I said, this begins with the example you’re setting. If they don’t see you setting a solid example, they’ll have less want to, less try, less belief. They’ll think, “I don’t believe this is a good idea” if you’re not modeling it. So, you’re going to have the biggest influence in the whole process. That needs to be number one because it’s so important. The influence we have is always underestimated.

Second of all, can you go with the idea that the way things are isn’t necessarily the way things are? Here’s what I mean: The fact that you feel a certain way and think things are a certain way—especially as far as your kids are concerned—can be changed.

If your kid says, “Well, I feel like he’s bigger,” or “He’s this, he’s that, I’m shy, I’m this, I’m that,” the first thing you have to overcome is the belief that you can change your beliefs about yourself. If you can believe that you can change your beliefs about yourself—that they’re not fixed and unchangeable, but actually something you get to decide—that’s the first real step.

Then, how can you build confidence in your kid? If confidence is a good defense, how do you go about creating it? So, let’s just say, what is confidence to start with? Confidence is a feeling. It comes from what we’re thinking. Most of the time, we’re not thinking consciously. Our brain feeds us thoughts that go through our minds, and we’re just kind of reacting to them. We’re more reactive, especially as kids, young adults, and teenagers. Our brains aren’t fully developed. We’re not fully mature, so we’re not really aware of the fleeting thoughts that are causing our feelings.

Confidence is a feeling. That means you’re willing to feel anything. Confidence means you’re willing to feel fear, discomfort, and being uncomfortable. It means you’re willing to feel life and go through it. The opposite is fearful, timid, and withheld—not willing to feel anything. That’s really the essence of confidence.

So, if you can accept the idea that what you believe about yourself matters, and if you can accept the idea that you can choose what you believe about yourself, here’s a question I often ask—and you may have heard me ask it before—and that is this:

What if you could believe anything you wanted to about yourself?
Okay, because you can—what if you could? If you can go with this idea, then you can decide what it is you want to be. In other words, you can believe what you want to believe about yourself. Are you following me? You can choose the beliefs that you want to hold true about yourself.

And if you know how to develop beliefs and commit to them, then that is going to be your best defense against bullying. I’m not saying that the other things—like defense or reporting bullying—aren’t important. We absolutely need to be involved in our kids’ lives, report things to the authorities, and pay attention. Some of this can have such a serious impact on our kids that we need to stay on top of it.

But what I’m saying is that if we commit to ourselves and help our kids develop solid, positive beliefs about themselves, the odds of bullying being a problem go way down. It’s not a perfect world, but the chances are significantly reduced.

In Stable Living, we teach that building these beliefs isn’t just about bullying—it’s also the best way to improve every aspect of your life. The beliefs we hold about ourselves affect everything. They have the biggest impact on the results we get in life.

This is such a fundamental thing, but often we lack awareness, commitment, or just don’t think it’s important. As a result, we miss out on so much goodness—on the things that are available to us in this lifetime. In Stable Living, we teach six tools—six solid skills—for developing these kinds of beliefs about ourselves. We don’t have time to go into all six today because it’s a deep process.

But today, I’m going to give you one skill that you can start with. This is something I’ve talked about before, but I’m going to break it down for you. The first step is to eliminate negative thoughts and words about yourself. Start with you and then model it for your kids. Pay attention to your kids and encourage them to be aware of this too.

So, what’s a thought? A thought is a phrase or sentence that goes through your mind. If you speak it, it’s just a thought that you said out loud. Your brain feeds you thousands of thoughts every day, and every thought creates a feeling.

What we want to do is recognize negative thoughts and replace them—either with neutral thoughts or, if possible, positive ones. But only if you can truly believe the positive thought.

For example, let’s say I make a mistake. I spill my drink. I spill my Coke Zero all over my desk. What I don’t want to do is say, “I’m such an idiot. I can’t keep things together,” or go on and on with negative talk like that.

Why? Because it has an impact. A lot of people use self-deprecating humor—it’s kind of funny to joke about how much we suck. But the truth is, even if we’re joking, those negative thoughts and words reinforce beliefs we don’t want to have.

Remember what Shakespeare said: “Much truth is told in jest.” Those things we tell ourselves, even as jokes, are reinforcing negative beliefs. Statements like, “I procrastinate,” or, “I can’t do this,” are creating a reality somewhere in our lives. That’s not helping us, and it’s not serving us.

So, how do you know what kind of language I’m talking about? Here’s your measure: If you catch yourself thinking or saying something that you wouldn’t want to think or say about someone you deeply care about—someone you love—don’t say it about yourself.

That’s how you get it done. That’s step one. Like I said, in Stable Living, we teach six solid skills. If you practice them over a lifetime, it is possible to change what you believe. And we get to choose what we believe about ourselves. Start with that one step. It’s a good start.

Thank you so much for joining me today. There is a solution to bullying, and this is the beginning. A good offense is better than a good defense.

I appreciate you so much. Remember—you cannot fail if you Don’t Ever Stop Chasing It.

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