Full Podcast Transcript:

Introduction to Rejection and Self-Beliefs

Ladies and gentlemen, three, two, one. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this episode of The Horsemanship Journey Podcast. My name is Shane Jacob, your host, and I thank you for taking your time to be here with me today. Today our subject is rejection. Got my dark and gloomy bad guy black shirt on today for such a dark and dreary subject.

You know, rejection is something that we all get to experience in this lifetime. It can be a pretty serious deal. I mean, whether we know it or not, whether we realize the impact that it's having on us or not, a lot of times we can see the effect on other people, but not so easily do we see the effect on ourselves. And a lot of times we're just not conscious of the effect that different kinds of rejections are having on us. And I'm going to talk to you today about three tips to remedy this.

First of all, to be able to understand rejection, we need to understand a little bit about our self-beliefs. Self-beliefs are an ongoing effort over a lifetime. A lot of times we think that it's something we just accomplish at one point in our lives, and then it's done.

Or we think, "Right now, in this moment, I feel like myself-esteem's a little bit low, and I'm going to work on it and put it back where it goes, and then it'll be taken care of for now." In The Secret to Living, I list six truths about you. One of those truths about you—about us, about human beings—is that beliefs are not static, which means they must continually be cultivated. So whether we're conscious of it or not,

The Power of Unsupervised Thoughts

We are constantly making meaning about ourselves throughout our lives, whether we really realize it or not. It's happening inside of our brain. And that's why I love this quote by Brooke Castillo. It just strikes me with so much meaning. Let me see if I can find it here.

She says—if I can find it—here we go. Brooke Castillo, owner of the Life Coach School, said, "Most of our thoughts are unsupervised, haphazard, unconscious, and pre-programmed." Most of the thoughts in our brain—60,000 estimated per day, every 24 hours—are little phrases and sentences shooting through our minds constantly with all the chatter.

She continues, "So our lives become an unconscious response to unexamined thoughts." Our lives become an unconscious response to unexamined thoughts. This means most of us are just going around acting as if we are at the effect of our circumstances—until we become aware of our thinking, what's going on inside of here.

Once we become aware, we realize we can change it. Then we can be intentional about our thoughts. That's when we can start directing our lives, having more control, feeling more empowered, and getting closer to being the person we want to be.

Understanding Self-Beliefs and Their Impact

Here's how I describe it. I'm going to wrap everything into one bundle: self-esteem, self-confidence, our total self-image, self-efficacy. All of these things—faith in ourselves, the way we see our worthiness, the way we value ourselves as human beings, the relationship we have with ourselves, the love we have for ourselves—all of these beliefs we hold to be true about us.

These beliefs are something we are constantly making meaning about. So, here's the way I describe it: we're going along, feeling pretty good, and the none of two things happens.

One way is through the things we do and think. For example, I'm feeling pretty good, and then I do something. But it turns out I kind of wish I hadn't done it. You know what I'm saying? I might do something against my own values, something I'm ashamed of, or I make a mistake, a big failure—whatever it is.

If I don't consciously do something about this, my subconscious mind will make meaning of it. This meaning influences how I behave, how I feel, and therefore how I act. It directly impacts my results.

External Influences on Self-Beliefs

The other way is through things that happen to us. For example, people say things about us or to us. Things happen to us. In worst-case scenarios, like abuse, the victim might unconsciously think, "Why did this happen tome? What did I do to cause this?" They begin making meaning about themselves based on what happened.

Every day, all day long, as we go through our lives, we're doing things, and things are happening to us. For instance, someone might give me a pat on the back and say, "Great job, Shane," and now I feel good. Then later, I lose my temper and do something I regret. Now I'm thinking, "I suck."

What I'm saying is that our self-beliefs are shaped by what we do, what we think about ourselves, and what others say and do to us. Becoming aware of this process is the key to understanding rejection.

The Emotional Impact of Rejection

And it’s going on; it is affecting us whether we know it or not. It’s affecting our teenagers if we’re parents, and it’s affecting us as parents in how we relate to them and the relationship that we have with our children. I will tell you this: I kind of thought I was rejection-proof in certain areas, you know, in my relationships. And then one day, my wife decided she was leaving.

And let me just tell you something: I wasn’t. Okay? I experienced things later on in my life, at an age I wouldn’t consider to be young anymore. I was not sure if I was 50, but I was probably around that age, maybe about that or something. And anyway, it took a toll on me, and it affected me so much.

I felt like I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t have control of it. I actually experienced what I would call panic attacks for the first time in my life. Fifty-plus years old, and I’m experiencing a panic attack for the first time in my life. Let me tell you what happened to me. I felt so alone in the world. I felt like I was the last one on the planet. I felt like I was afraid because it was getting dark.

A Personal Experience with Panic Attacks

I felt like the world—I could, like, feel it closing down around me. I was getting claustrophobic. It was the middle of the summer in Las Vegas, Nevada, and I was getting cold. I was sweating in the over 110-plus-degreetemperature. And I was having trouble breathing. And this intermittently went on for a couple of weeks.

I had fear wrapped up in this because I knew... In my mind, I knew, “Hey, nothing’s wrong with you, Shane. It’s just your thoughts. You’re going to be okay.” But I couldn’t break free, and I couldn’t get control of what was happening to me. And it was a tough time. Let me just tell you, okay? I wouldn’t go ahead and say it’s the toughest time I’ve had in my life, but it was a damn tough time.

So yeah, that’s a piece of my story. And I’m just telling you that rejection is real. Okay. And I know from my own experiences.

Rejection: Pain as Real as the Physical

Here’s the thing. Rejection is so serious that our brains literally experience rejection as physical pain. Okay? And there’s proof. According to an article published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, physical pain and intense feelings of social rejection hurt in the same way.

Let me say that again. Physical pain and intense feelings of social rejection hurt in the same way. So the study demonstrates that the same regions of the brain that become active in responding to painful sensory experiences are activated during intense experiences of social rejection.

Research on the Brain and Rejection

Basically, research with MRI scans compared brain activity in people who experienced rejection with brain activity in people who experienced physical pain. They found that the same regions of the brain lit up. Those regions are linked to physical pain, the same regions that responded to social rejection.

There’s other research—this is super interesting. Other research found that the pain from rejection is so similar to what we feel from physical pain that taking acetaminophen (if that’s how you say it, whatever is in Tylenol),taking Tylenol, okay, after experiencing rejection, actually reduces how much pain people reported to feel.

The brain scans showed that the neural pain signaling was lessened when people took Tylenol after experiencing emotional social rejection. That’s how serious our brain thinks rejection is.‍

Preparing for Rejection

Another thing about rejection is, hey, it’s going to happen. Okay? It’s inevitable. It is part of the human condition. It’s just part of living, okay? It’s part of being a human being. As long as there’s media, as long as there are colleges, employers, credit card companies, sports teams, and of course, other people, you know there’s going to be rejection. We’re going to feel rejected.

Now, we can become better at handling rejection. We can help other people go through rejection, and we can help them become prepared for rejection to be able to become more rejection-resilient.

In doing research for this podcast, I read about a person, a lady who intentionally went on a dating site, dated, and set herself up to be rejected once a day for 30 days. Okay? And I’m like, yes, you know, go for it. She was experiencing what it felt like and just being able to go through that to prepare for the real deal.

I’m not necessarily suggesting that, but I just thought it was an interesting way to go about it.

Building Resilience Through Intentional Effort

It reminds me of Brooke Castillo—again, one of my mentors. She says that in her goal-setting course, she talks about failing 25 times a quarter. Okay? She’s like, “Fail forward. Go and fail, and that’s just going to be part of how you’re going to win.”

Kind of a similar philosophy to prepare yourself. But what I want to give you today is three tips to remedy rejection.

The Power of Three: Tips to Handle Rejection

These tips work—I've used them, and this is the real deal. They’re not complicated, but they can prepare you and help you move forward from the rejection we all face in life.

First, let me emphasize: rejection can lead to deep, negative consequences if left unaddressed. The feelings and meanings we attach to rejection can negatively impact our health, lead to depression, or even trigger suicidal thoughts. If you’re not feeling better within a couple of weeks, please seek professional help. And if you’re around someone who’s showing signs of long-term sadness, isolation, or hopelessness, encourage them to get medical support. Rejection is serious, and it’s okay to ask for help.

With that said, here are my three tips for addressing and overcoming rejection:

1. Rally Support

When you face rejection, the first thing you need to do is rally support from people you trust. These are people who care about you and will listen without judgment. They don’t have to be connected to the rejection itself—they just need to be someone you feel safe with.

This is similar to what Brené Brown calls “shame resilience.” Reach out to someone who can hear your story, whether virtually, over the phone, or in person. Surrounding yourself with trusted people will be one of the most important things to help you through tough times.

As you share your story, it’s essential to also love yourself. Here’s what I mean: think and speak kindly about yourself. Don’t use words or thoughts that you wouldn’t say to someone you love. For example, if you wouldn’t tell your child they’re “worthless” or “not good enough,” don’t say those things to yourself. Only use words of kindness and encouragement when thinking about yourself.

2. Feel the Pain

The second step is to allow yourself to feel the pain of rejection. This is hard but necessary. Feel the anguish, feel the discomfort, and process the emotion instead of avoiding it.

Often, we’re tempted to buffer—numbing the pain through overeating, overdrinking, or any number of things that provide temporary relief but make us feel worse in the long run. Resist the urge to mask your feelings. Instead, let yourself sit with the pain and process it.

What I’ve noticed is that when I allow myself to feel the discomfort, I realize it’s not as bad as I thought. The fear of the pain is often worse than the pain itself.

3. Make Intentional Meaning

Finally, you get to decide what this rejection means for you. What if you could make it mean something positive? What if you could choose a belief about the rejection that actually made you feel stronger?

Think about the future and decide how much attention you want to give to this experience moving forward. After my marriage ended, I was devastated. It was a painful and difficult time. But as I worked through it, I became incredibly grateful for how things turned out. That rejection ultimately became a blessing in my life.

You have the power to make rejection mean whatever you want. It doesn’t have to define your value or worth.

It's Not About You—Most of the Time

Here’s another fact to consider: 90% of the time, rejection is not about you.

According to Terry Orbuch, Ph.D., a researcher at the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research, most rejection has nothing to do with your personal value. It’s often about external factors or circumstances unrelated to you.

It feels personal, but most of the time, it’s not. Knowing this can help you make intentional meaning out of rejection and move forward without shame.

Helping Others Through Rejection

This insight can also help you support others. If you’re ever in a position to reject someone—whether it’s ending a relationship, declining a job application, or another situation—be transparent. Let the person know it’s not about them personally. That clarity can make the rejection easier for them to process.

Moving Forward

Rejection is real, and it can lead to sadness, depression, and missed opportunities. But by using these three tips—rallying support, feeling the pain, and making intentional meaning—you can handle rejection with grace and self-love.

The more you understand yourself and the nature of rejection, the more resilient you’ll become. And if you’re ever in a position to help others through rejection, you can share these insights to make their journey easier.

Hey, this is the kind of work we do up close and personal in Stable Living Coaching. It’s meaningful, and I hope today’s conversation helps you along your journey.

Remember: you cannot fail if you Don’t Ever Stop Chasing It.