Transcript for this weeks message:

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Horsemanship Journey Podcast. My name is Shane Jacob, your host, and I appreciate you for taking your time to be here with me today. If you're the parent of a teen, this is your podcast. You know, excuse me, I've been working with horses for a long time now. And I've made a lot of mistakes with horses, and I've made a tremendous amount of mistakes in my life in all things. I've done all the wrong things that I talk about, and that's one of my strengths. The amount of mistakes and experience I have with horses and people and all the treacherous, disastrous things that I've done, position me perfectly to be able to be here today to help get through some of the things that I've been through.

You know, with horses, what I used to do and what I notice with people is that when we encounter problems with horses, we make everything all about the horse. Okay? A lot of times we don't even think to consider ourselves, okay. Because we're so fixated on what we think is causing the problem and how to solve it. We're so wrapped up inside of it. We do the same thing with ourselves a lot of the time.

I may have told this before, but I was coming back from a horse sale with a friend of mine one time, from a horse auction. We were going down the road listening to somebody complain about all their ex-spouse and went on and on, several ex-spouses. And then my friend, Ricky, said, “Well, you know, it seemed like it's pretty hard to draw, or pretty not likely, or pretty hard to draw bad five times in a row, you know.” And the point was is that this person could just not see that all of these problems that kept reoccurring and reoccurring in all these marriages might have a little bit of something to do with themselves.

It's interesting what I heard today - this is also, you know, what we do with horses that demonstrates the same thing - was at the saddle of a horse to take into the round pen, and we had some other people here. And another individual and a couple of people were in the round pen with a horse, and I wasn't really paying attention to what they were doing. And they came out as I was saddling this horse. And the guy said to me, he said, “This horse won't listen to anything I do. Do you take trade-ins here? I about had it with this horse.” And then I listened to him for a little while and made a comment that he was kind of joking. And, then again, at the end of it, he said, “You know, this horse, my daughter listens better than this horse.” And he was kind of upset also. And he just kind of left.

So, when I listened to the language, and I listen to the words and listen to what people think about when they encounter when a horse won't do what they want it to do, what the focus is, right? In this instance, the focus with the guy that was in the round pen, his focus was totally on this horse has a problem, right? And the focus is always outside, it's out there somewhere, right? And we've talked about a lot of this. The first thing that usually with horses that we do, we try to figure out, well, he won't do it, how am I gonna get him to do what I want him to do?

So, then we start thinking about the things that are out there. We start thinking about the saddle and the bridle and his shoes and the dirt around the and this and that and his diet and the chiropractor and a specific supplement and maybe he doesn't like the bit and all of these different things. And all of those things have influence. All of those things that I mentioned and many more have an influence on what that horse is going todo, right? But they're not, they don't have the most influence, and they're not going to be the biggest key to getting what we want, if we're going to get what we want. And sometimes we just don't.

We usually, we just want a skill. We kind of want the magic pill. We want the magic pill or the magic skill. It's going to fix this horse. The thing about it is, and that's, you know, personal responsibility is looking out there for the solution. We do the same thing with our kids a lot of times and in our relationships and all relationships with people, we do the same thing. They're not doing what we want, so we try to, you know, figure out how to get them to do what they want, what we want, right? They're doing what they want, which is not what we want. So, we try to figure it out.

And with our kids, a lot of times it's the same thing. We're looking for the magic pill or the magic, literally the magic pill, right? With all of the drugging that's done with kids to try to solve problems, right? My kid won't do this, so therefore there's a drug for that, or there's a supplement for that to try to… And not that these things are not appropriate in some situations, but I think that most of us would agree. And I definitely say that we're over-drugging, right? We're using this to solve problems where it's not appropriate a lot of the time.

So, we're looking for the magic pill or the magic skill, and we're looking out there for a solution. We want a supplement or a drug that's going to get our kids to do what we want them to do. Or we're looking for, you know, maybe if I use this strategy and put this thought into his mind or her mind, or had this schedule or this, you know, went at it this way, then they're gonna go at it, you know. The skills and everything, there's things, all of the things, it's the same as the horse, right? The saddle and all these things and the schedule and the skill, we all have to do that to be able to, those are all important in making progress towards our desired results. The thing of it is, is that we're looking the wrong direction, okay?

And like I said, I've talked a lot about, and I've had a couple in this podcast about personal responsibility. The word responsibility, it sounds hard. But what that personal responsibility means is accepting ownership for what's happening to me, right? That is that I accept responsibility. I call that personal responsibility. And, but this is like the, another layer or the next step of once you've accepted responsibility. Once you assume ownership, the next step is to go about how to go about changing or making the progress what you want.

So, here's what I mean. Once I can change the focus, okay, from out there. From, the horse won't do what he wants, I want a new one, or he doesn't listen. Once I can change the focus to me and say, what can I do in this situation? Okay. Once that happens, then how do I go about making that progress, to get the progress I want? What's the next step? Same thing with our kids and other relationships. Once I say, rather than, once I change the focus here and say, they're not doing what I want, but what am I gonna do? Okay, what can I actually do about this besides try to control them?

The next thing, okay, so here's the deal, okay? The number one thing that has the most influence and the most impact on horses and people, including our kids, is the thoughts inside of our own heads. So most all of the time, we're just looking at the wrong place for the solutions. Okay? The first place to go is inside. Now, you know, if we could control horses and kids… hey man, I'd be all for it. I want them to do what I want them to do all the time. And I've tried to control. Most of us have tried to control, whether it's conscious or not. We've tried to get what we want in all different kinds of ways, right? But if we could, if it did work… But the thing of it is, is it doesn't work. We can't control them.

So, when I talk about the first place to go is ‘here’ when we're not getting what we want. One thing that I just want to be clear that I'm not talking about is, I'm not talking about taking on someone else's responsibility, okay? I'm not talking about taking the blame for what our kids do, or what somebody else does, or for what the horse does that is not our responsibility of what they do on their own free will. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about taking responsibility for ourselves by simply taking ownership of myself in this situation, and number one, saying, “What can I do?” Okay? Because we're not going to control what they do.

Horses and people surely have their own free will and they're going to do what they're going to do. And let me just tell you something about me. Nothing, nobody is going to change me. When I was drinking to excess, I mean to excess, okay, on a daily basis for a couple of decades plus, without fail daily. Okay, nobody can change me. You think somebody didn't try? Lots of people tried, and I wasn't having any of it. Okay? But if you're on the other side of that, and we're trying to get people to do what we want, we try, we try, we try. We try to control, we try to manipulate, we try to even punish, we try to force it. And we do a lot of this without even a conscious thought. We just kind of go into it like, they're not doing what we think is right or what we want or the way things we think that they should be. And so therefore we just start doing whatever we can think of.

A lot of times it's not even a conscious thought of how we can get people to do what we want them to do because that's the way that we think that things ought to be, you know, because we got things going on perfect for us. So obviously they should do this, be exactly the same as us. Kidding, you know, that's not really the way it is most of the time.

So, I've done all these things. I've tried to control and manipulate and punish and force and do all of it with horses and with people that I talked about. You've done a lot of them too, and they don't work. Okay? I've been married a few times now, and I know what doesn't work. I can assure you of a lot of things that don't work. Those things don't work. You may, you might have a thought like if you're dealing with your kids or your spouse or even a horse, you might have a thought like you know I've tried everything, but nothing works. Okay, but I really doubt, I don't think that you've tried changing yourself instead, okay? And that's what works. It's a paradox. If you want somebody else or something else to change, we got to change ourselves. You have to change yourself.

So, when our kids act out and do things that we don't want them to be doing, the first place to look is ‘here.’ And the question, you know, and ask yourself, “Have I been and am I being the confident leader that my kids need me to be, or that I need to be in this relationship?” with your whatever relationship you're talking about. And the answer is probably, “No.” It probably might be no. And that's okay.

The foundational principle of The Horsemanship Journey is that “The solution that you desire is within.” That is the foundational principle of The Horsemanship Journey. So, when things go wrong, okay, we know they're gonna go wrong, and we're gonna make that be okay. When things go wrong and we want someone to act differently, there's three questions. There's three questions to ask yourself if you want the best outcome. The first one we've talked about, which is to assume ownership. The first question is, is once I've changed the focus, I asked myself, “What can I do?” Okay, that's step one. That's the first question.

The next question is, next question for ourselves is “Am I happy?” Am I happy with and am I proud of how I'm showing up in this. Okay? Am I acting on purpose? Am I acting intentional? Am I showing up like the human being that I wanna be in this, right here, right now? Or ask yourself, how do I wanna show up in this in preparation to show up for it, right? So the second question is, how do I wanna show up in this? And to get crystal clear on that, what do I wanna look like? What is the confident leader that they need me to be, look like?

The third question, this is a forethought… This is the forethought, okay, hopefully before… Now if you've already reacted, then you can go back and repair and fix this. Then you can come back and ask yourself three questions. So, it's not too late. You didn't destroy life. You're just a human being if that's what you did. If you've already, you know, done something that you wish you wouldn't have, or you did something that didn't work, or you tried controlling, you're in this, or you blew up, or whatever, you can go back. This is also how you repair; you do these three questions. First of all, what can I do? Second of all, how do I want to show up in this? Okay.

And here's the third question. This is a big one. Okay. Am I coming from a place of unconditional love? Okay. Am I coming from a place of unconditional love? Now, you don't have to agree with somebody to love them unconditionally. Okay, it's not that I have to accept what you're doing, I just have to accept you. I don't have to give in. I don't have to like what you're doing. I don't have to do any of that. The only thing that I need to do is it fully accept you and fully love you unconditionally. That means regardless of what you're doing, I love you a hundred percent as a human being, or as a horse. That’s for horses also, okay? Because if we're not coming to horses and people with love, good luck on getting what we want.

So, a lot of times, you know, I hear a lot the idea of love and humility being kind of caving in, right? Or letting people run over us or more humility than love. But it's none of that. Humility and love is the ultimate strength, okay, that comes, it originates from a love that we have from ourselves. So, the more that you develop yourself is the more that we're going to be able to have this unconditional love because it's going to be, It's actually a neural pathway. It's a pattern in our brain that we can develop.

So, a lot of times love might sound like “No. I love you, no. I love you.” Here's the consequence I have. I'm going to be with you in the sadness of you suffering this consequence. As far as our kids, but I love you, no. You know, that's what love might sound like a lot of times. Having unconditional love and having the awareness and taking the moments that it takes to ask these three questions before we bulldoze into something, it takes some serious awareness. Okay? And it's a habit and it's a skill. If you're addressing these problems and you can say to yourself, “Is this is how I want to show up in this, and I am coming from a place of unconditional love?” Then it's time, you're in a position to make good choices to move forward. So that's where you want to be to get the best result.

Now, here's the deal. Like I said before, even if you're coming, if you're fully resolved and resigned, and you're perfectly good with how you're going to show up in this. And that you did show up, and that you did come from a place of unconditional love, it doesn't mean that you're going to get what you want. They still might, they still have their own free agency. They have their God given free will, and they may or may not do what you want. But you have the most influence, and you have the best odds of the best outcome for them and from you if you're coming at it this way.

 Your beliefs, this is the next part of this. This is super important. This is the most important, probably. The beliefs about yourself are imperative in this, okay? Because like I said before, what is inside of you is pattern to be able to come out. So if I don't have solid beliefs about myself, and if I don't love myself unconditionally, it's not going to be able to come out to somebody else.

The reason that I promote the idea, okay, of committing to a lifelong pursuit of intentionally developing beliefs about ourselves, okay? Intentional beliefs, a lifelong pursuit that as we go along and what affects the beliefs that we have about ourselves is two things. What we do, for example, that would be I do something that I'm ashamed of, that I'm not proud of, or I do something that I'm very proud of and I'm very happy with. That is when I do something, okay, that I'm ashamed of. Then I have my brain, if I don't do this intentionally, my brain feeds my, feeds a thought to my conscious that has todo with what I believe about myself regarding this thing that I did, okay?

We get to choose what we think about ourselves. So, if we're not intentionally deciding how to go through shame and how to resolve the things that we've done and have them be okay and separate them from the things that we have done from the value that we are with the person, then our default is going to be not the way we want it to be. Our default is going to say we're less than because we did something that we're ashamed of.

Now, or the other thing that we did help, that we base our beliefs on consciously or not, in things that happen to us… Somebody does something to us or something, an outside circumstance happens to us that we have no control over, and then we would base, whether we're conscious of it or not, beliefs about ourselves.

For example, worst case scenarios would be things like extreme abuse. And so, when that happens, when people do things to other people that are abusive, the victim consciously or not makes meaning about what that means about them. Okay? And if it's not a conscious being able to process this thing and consciously make a decision that is going to serve us in the end, the default is going to be that that's going to make us less than or lower our worthiness and our value as a human being because of this thing that's been done to us.

Now, if somebody comes by and says, “You know what Shane, you're doing an awesome job. You're one hell of a bad-ass human being, and you're doing great things.” And they give me a great... Now I can take that too, if I want to, I can take that and I can chalk it up, and I can use that to help me consciously develop a belief about it myself that I am who they're describing. So, the reason, okay, that I believe that it's imperative to commit to this pursuit of developing intentional beliefs about ourselves for our lifetime, is so that we have the ability that we have developed these thought patterns and these neural pathways, I guess, into what they call them, inside of our brain so that it can come out to the people that we love. Okay, that's why.

So, this is the reason to love yourself, okay, so that you can love other people. And this is why I don't say it's a good idea. I say it's our responsibility and our duty as human beings to commit to this so that we have the capacity inside of ourselves to love and give to the people that we deeply care about, and so that we can make our contribution and our mark to the world that we were destined to make. For without it, we cannot. Me, myself, I have had better results with people, and I've had less… And with horses, by the way. With people and with horses, I've had better results. I've had less frustration; I've had more cooperation as I've purposefully developed beliefs about myself. And I've seen this in people again and again. And as I've learned and I continue to learn, I don't have those stuff mastered, right? It's an ongoing deal. If you're around me very much, you know all the mistakes I make all the time.

But, as I have learned how to better manage my mind, this is ongoing, then I have better relationships. Okay? And it starts right ‘here.’ As you learn how to better manage your mind, as you work on increasing your confidence and improving the beliefs that you have about you, the world changes around you. It is something. Other people's behavior changes, or you couldn't get it to change, you never thought they would, right? Your influence that you have on people is much more than you know. I guarantee it. is incredibly, magnificently powerful. We can't control, okay, we cannot control, but we have tremendous influence on other people and other creatures when it comes to horses.

Today's takeaways are this, okay? When you find yourself wanting someone or something else to change, something like a horse, somebody, someone else like your kids or your spouse or your whoever it is, okay? When you find yourself wanting change in someone else, okay? First of all, hopefully you've committed to developing your beliefs about you, okay? That's first. If you haven't yet, I would ask you to consider. I would submit to you that this is one of the most important things that you could commit to be doing, okay? To developing intentional positive beliefs about yourself, to come to know that you are an invaluable and priceless soul, the same invaluable and pricelessness as me and every other human on this earth that has came and will come, okay? Regardless of what you have done, okay? You hear me? Regardless of what you have done.

Now, that, if I'm working on me, okay? Which is all I can do, is work on me and what I believe about me. When these things happen, when I want somebody to do something, if I have the awareness and take just a moment, the moments that it takes to ask myself, “Hold on a minute, what can I do in this? I can feel something's going on here.”

Isn't that funny? I'm talking about feelings. The old cowboy that's supposed to be this tough dude. I've come to realize over the years that, you know, what we do, we do everything because of the way they'll make us feel. So, here I am talking about feelings. Okay, back to the deal.

Once we, if we've committed to this, to pursue good positive beliefs about ourselves and to come to love ourselves. When we recognize this, first thing that we do is we say, first question is stop, hold on a minute, “What can I do?” Okay, that's one. Second is how do I want to show up in this? Okay. How am I happy? What am I going to be proud of? What am I going to look back on and say, “Hey, this is the way I wanted to be in this??And the third is, am I coming from a place of unconditional love?

And it's possible. Sometimes it's hard, but it is possible. Because sometimes what people do, I mean, it's kind of hard to accept what they're doing. But we can still love them regardless of what they were doing. It can happen. So, like I said, even though you go through this process, you're not always going to get what you want. But you'll have better results, and you will continue to feel better inside yourself and about you.

Hey, thanks for being here. And remember, besides this podcast, we have several other free resources for parents like the Country Code and the You Are Destined For Greatness, a weekly video that's all available at thehorsemanshipjourney.com.

Remember, you cannot fail if you Don't Ever Stop Chasing It.

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