Transcript for this weeks message:

Shane Jacob

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Horsemanship Journey Podcast. My name is Shane Jacob, your host, and I appreciate you taking your time to join us today. Don't forget to check out Stable Living at thehorsemanshipjourney.com Stable Living is our online coaching program that uses principles that we see in horses to help teens and their parents thrive through the transition to adulthood and teens to continue to thrive as adults.

Today we're excited to have our special guest for today, it’s David Ask. Did I say that right David?

David Ask

You did, you did.

Shane Jacob

All right, good deal. I'm glad to hear it. David is an entrepreneur, an inventor, and a coach. And in his spare time, he sings on stages all across the country. David you've done so many things, I thought it would be best if I left you to most of the introduction. So, appreciate you taking your time to be with us today. Tell us a little bit more about yourself, your story, where it started, and how you got to be where you are.

David Ask

Yeah, well, first of all, thanks for having me on. I did some, of course, some research, you know, not only on your podcast, but on your website. And, you and I have got similar hearts and caring for families and in various ways. And so, I'm really thrilled to be here with you and honored to be here. Looks like you're doing really, really important work. I grew up in a little town in Minnesota actually, and I moved to Nashville when I was, you know, right after high school, really. So been here for quite a few years, and it's been a great place to raise a family.

Lisa and I have been married for 25 years now. And I've got a 19-year-old son who's in college, just entering his second year in college, and my daughter is actually starting her senior year. So that's kind of my family profile there. But I do a lot of different things. That's kind of my personality. I kind of fit that, you know, the definition of an entrepreneur ,kind of multiple irons in the fire.

And, you know, by the way, I used to think that I just had kind of a short attention span and couldn't, you know, stick to anything. And what I realized is, nope, that's actually my personality. And I have kind of a wide, wide desires and a wide skill set. So, I have invented a product about 10years ago with my brother-in-law called the StatGuard Plus. And it's a thermostat guard with a combination lock. So, you don't have to worry about losing that little key, and we sell in about 3 ,700 retail stores.

I facilitate a mastermind group within the Iron Sharpens Iron Mastermind. I do some life coaching. And like you said, I do some music. I moved to Nashville, like millions of people, right, to be a vocalist. And I was a vocal major at Belmont. And I still do quite a bit, so it's fun to kind of have a side hustle, as it were, that is not only life giving but, you know, can be kind of lucrative as well. So, yeah.

Shane Jacob

Right on. Well, tell us, you're in these masterminds and you're out there and you're coaching, and what do you see when you look into the world? What do you see the obstacles to success? What do you see people stumble? What's the big, what's the big hold-ups?

David Ask

Man, that's a great question. You know, I think the first thing would probably be this idea of self-awareness, and that I think a lot of that kind of gets misunderstood. And it's, I like to kind of pop a few bubbles, you know, with regards to words like authenticity and identity and things like that. You know, I'm one… And I think you're tracking with me here, you know, I ask people quite often, “Where do we even get the word authenticity,” right? When we're talking about self-awareness, we get the word authenticity from the word author, right? We didn't make ‘us,’ I didn't make ‘me.’ In fact, I didn't choose my, you know, eye color, my taste buds, and even in the land of the free and the home of the brave. I didn't choose my own personality. We don't choose anything. We get to choose what we do with it.

But how do we know that's true, like gravity? Well, those of us who have kids, know, Parker and Kate, right? Parker, when he came out of the gate, he was so him, right? He's just wild and, I mean, he had all of these likes and dislikes and fears and just everything from the way he would kind of growl when he played when he was, you know, two and three years old to the things that made him laugh. And guess what? My daughter, very different, right? Me and my siblings, right? We're vastly different. And children, you know, when they, when they're in those early years, right? Zero to, I don't know, five or six years old, they're not thinking about being authentic, right, like we are, until life kind of punches them in the face a little bit. But every little spirit is so different.

So, what I think is fascinating is when we as adults can kind of get over our own egos a little bit and start answering some really, really important questions about, you know, for instance, core values, right? That term gets thrown around quite a bit too, but I like to say, what does your core happen to value more than anything in the entire world? Well, we're limited to the English language, or I am anyway. And in our culture, there's, you know, I don't know, 80 or 100 possible core values with some overlap, of course. But here's what's interesting... So, Shane, if you and I were to do a core values assessment right now, and you were to, you know, put a check mark next to the ones that you resonate with. And then narrow that down to 20, and then narrow that down to 10, and narrow that down to five, and put those things in priority, right, a hierarchy. It would be different than mine.

And if you couple that… So this idea of authenticity, right? What makes up a person? We can say mind, body and spirit, but you have values, but you also have convictions. Well, that's not a value. A conviction is what do you believe is right and wrong.

A virtue is something else. A virtue is this idea of an outward focus. What type of an impact do I want to have on those around me? And I mean, of course, then you look at strengths, and how do I want to apply those strengths? And I like to say, you know, like what gives you goosebumps, right? What is it that puts that lump in your throat in a really good way? And that's different for everybody. And you put all of that stuff together and we are so vastly different.

But again, what are we really doing? We're identifying, right ,identity, all of those things. And it's kind of simple and kind of complex at the same time. And I think that, so to answer your question in a pretty longform here, is that self-awareness piece is vital. And I think that's where most people, you know, shoot out of the gate. And they're trying to please their dad, they're trying to please their uncle, please their teacher, please some talking head on TV, or not look like an idiot. You know, they don't even know who they are, let alone why they're doing anything.

So, I think that self -awareness piece is absolutely front and center. And if you don't get that right, you're going to spend years, decades, maybe your entire life completely exhausted living someone else's definition of success.

‍Shane Jacob

So true, so true. That's a great point just to be aware of, take the time to know who we are, know what we want, know what our values are, and so on and so forth. This word authentic, authenticity, it's an interesting word to me. When I hear people use it, sometimes I really wonder what they mean. Do they mean that they want to be their natural self? Do they mean that they want to be true to themselves? Do they mean that they want to be, you know, act on their feelings? Is that being authentic? Is it just kind of whatever you feel in the moment? I mean, like, I don't know what sometimes what people mean by that. I think that maybe they're just not aware.

David Ask

Yeah. Well, and that's it, right? Nobody really talks about this stuff because, you know, most parents, I mean, your parents, they probably didn't talk about it. Mine kind of did, you know, but I think our generation, you know, albeit we've got a bit more time on our hands because we live in a world that's rather easy in many aspects… We've got some more time to even contemplate some of this stuff. But, I think it's really important to understand, you know, that we don't get, we don't make, you know, good things ultimate things. There’s a progression to understanding, you know, I'll say, whose we are and who we are, and how all of that plays out naturally. But if we get that, you know, this thing's out of order, guess what? We don't feel natural. We start to feel anxious, you know, imposter syndrome and depression and all that kind of stuff.

But when we get the right order, you know… By the way, I work real closely with a guy named Dr. Andy Garrett, who's a psychologist and he told me one time, said, “Do you know where we get the term disorder? You know, like mental disorder, eating disorder, whatever it is, it's there's something out of order, it's disordered.” And so when we understand, you know, that God made everything with a purpose and a progression to understand it and use it, and we get those things in order… Well, guess what, you know, follow the clues, right? We start to feel genuine. We start to feel, you know, resilient and courageous and free, and we have clarity of purpose.

But if you don't understand those things, right, you're gonna suffer. It's gonna be imposter syndrome and depression. You're gonna probably start avoiding certain people in places or homework even. I mean, you talk, of course your mission is to help parents and teens, and I do a lot of that as well. But think about young people, right? They're sitting most likely in a classroom where they're constantly comparing themselves to someone else with no rudder. They're extrinsically motivated as opposed to, “Guess what, guys, this is who I am. This is who I value. This is why I get up in the morning. This is the dent in the universe that I want to have. These are the tools that are in my belt.” And when they don't have that, they're going to start avoiding everything from good conflict to bad conflict to conversations that they should have. They're going to be, you know, suffer fatigue and isolation, and I mean, you name it. It just, the list goes on and on. But again, when we start identifying those things and get them in the right order, well, guess what? We start to feel rather natural and free and courageous and resilient.

Shane Jacob

Right on. So, we hear, you know, as we go on, if we have something that we want to change, if we're seeking change, if we want to develop ourselves, one of the things that we hear a lot in the world is that we hear to focus on the ‘why.’ You know, we hear a lot about the why, which I believe is important. You have a different perspective on that or a unique perspective, I'll say, because I've heard you say that to never start with ‘why.’

David Ask

Yeah, and I, you know, there's a book out there, Simon Sinek, who wrote, you know, wrote the book, “Start with Why.” And of course, there's so many great things in there. He's probably a much more intelligent person than I am. But, I think that what's fascinating is, is if you don't start with ‘who’ first, right, back to that self-awareness piece, your ‘why’ might be somebody else's. Your ‘why’ might be the cool person next to you.

You know, if you're in high school, your ‘why’ might be your dad's. And, not that he has a bad ‘why,’ but it's just not yours. You're not the same person. Your ‘why’ might be Joe Rogan's or heck, might be Shane Jacob’s, right? It might be somebody that you just really admire, but since you lack that inner constitution and that, I mean, you know, the... I like the word constitution, honestly, like it's written down. It's almost like when you think about your inner constitution, like the stone tablet, this is me. If you have not identified, right, if you don't have an identity, your ‘why,’ again, it might not be, but most likely it's gonna be a definition of someone else's success.

Shane Jacob

When you talk about the who, you've talked a little bit about this, but I mean, really what's the steps? What are you suggesting when we define who we are? And if we don't, we can't have the awareness and we can get stuck and we can't make progress if we don't have this awareness. So how do we go about establishing the ‘who?’

David Ask

The who, yeah. So, of course, in an ideal situation, right, everybody… So let me paint the picture this way, my favorite quote really in last couple of years has been by Benjamin Disraeli, former PM of England back in the 1800s. And he said, “The greatest good you can do for another is not to share with him your riches, but to reveal to him his own.” Well, think about what does that look like, you know, in the case of being a dad, right? Wouldn't it be just the greatest thing if every father knew who he was, right? There wasn't, there wasn't this big question mark. And then when he was raising his, we'll just say, since we're talking about sons here, raising his son, you know, and be able to look at his son from an early age, right? I'm talking three and four, you know, “Hey buddy, I saw yesterday when you did this…” you know, when you, you know…

And heck, I'll paint a picture using your kind of your, kind of your life there with, you know, horses and everything else, right? You know, “Hey buddy, I saw you when you roped that calf the other day, or when you, you know, wrestled that sheep to the ground or whatever it was, right? You helped us, you know, complete whatever task on the farm. I could tell that it was, it was kind of scary for you, but I love your courage there. I love that you stepped out and you did it anyway and you trusted me because I was standing there with you.”

Or maybe they get a little bit older and there's, you know, their son is sitting on the front steps with a buddy and he's asking his friend great questions like, “Man, how are you? You've seen like you're a little bit down lately.” And the dad comes in later and says, “Hey, I was actually sitting around the corner listening to your conversation with your friend. I love how you cared for them. I love how you ask questions. It's obviously important to you, you know, those types of things are important to you, aren't they?” Right? So, you're seeing something in a younger person. And this could be, should be fathering first and foremost, but then, of course, a mentor, you know, coach, whatever it is. You're seeing something in a younger person, and you're saying something. You're validating the riches, the identity, those clues, right, that are starting to rise to the top as they, another clinical term, as they self-actualize, right? Those teen years and early 20s when they kind of draw a line in the sand, or they should anyway, this is who I am and, you know, here's the boundaries around me.

But, so what if you didn't get that? Right? And this is something that you and I see, right? Because we're coaching a lot of people, families, fathers, and mothers and so on, this is an absolutely foreign concept to them. So, what I think is fantastic is, it really starts with just asking great questions in a really safe place, right? If someone asks you the right questions in the right format and the right progression, oh my gosh, you can start identifying that stuff rather quickly.

And what I think is neat too is, you know, we're made, you know, to be in community with one another. It's the entire point of life. There is no other point to life, it's all about relationships. The rest is a context. What does that really mean then? It means that when we're standing next to the people that, you know, we're doing life with, you know. It's if I see something in my friend Al, right, and we're, I'm 50, he's, he'll be 50 in the next week. But I still to this day, he and I have spent almost every day together since we were four years old, and we still affirm and validate one another because we need it, right? If I sleep, I forget. So, we were made to give, to love, to pour into, to lift up, to shine a spotlight on. It doesn't matter if it's a teenager or a young person. We all need that.

And that's what love looks like, right? It's not just, “Hey, I love you.” You know, I mean, it's okay, great. But boy, you start validating someone's character and action, that changes their life.

Shane Jacob

That is such an interesting response you had to that question, and I love the quote. I'm going to remember that about not sharing our riches but helping people see their own. That's awesome.

David Ask

Oh man, it's so good.

Shane Jacob

I'm wondering, David, if you could talk a little bit about resiliency and grit, the difference, just talk about that.

David Ask

Yeah, you know, so this is something that, so Dr. Andy and I, we walk, you know, not only cohorts and things like that through this, his what he calls his true north resilience, you know, program. But we do corporations even. So, two weeks ago, I was in Oregon walking a restaurant chain, you know, director leveling up their whole staff, through this resiliency program. So, I'll paint the picture really quickly.

Resiliency is just simply getting up faster. If we had to break it down into something, this idea of I got knocked down, I'm getting up quick. If you're resilient, you're not laying on the ground for three days. You get knocked down, you stand up. But here's what's fascinating is if you have self-awareness, resiliency isn't just standing up for extrinsic motivation. I'm embarrassed; I'm in the mud.  I'm going to get up just because I'm embarrassed. No.

So, Dr. Andy has this analogy where he says, “True resiliency is like a basketball,” right? You bounce it hard on the court and for a split second it loses its shape. But then what? Right back to a predetermined, measurable, definable space. So, when you have that self-awareness piece, right? It's like, boom, I'm back. And grit, I think it's, you know, I'm writing a book called The Guardians of Grit, and it's for dads who want to raise uncrushable young people.

So, grit to me is exciting. It's this idea of traction, you know this kind of this fortitude piece where I'm going to do something difficult over a long period of time because what's on the other side of that hill, as it were, is worth fighting for. But again, we can be kind of gritty for the wrong reasons, right? I spent many, many years wanting to accomplish things and being kind of gritty, like staying with stuff. But it was exhausting because I was extrinsically motivated. I was doing it for the applause of everybody around me. I wanted to quote unquote, be somebody, you that the world thought was valuable, or at least not be a nobody And there's a big difference when you understand who you are, resilience, and grit are a predetermined, you know, definable place inside of you. You're driven intrinsically as opposed to fear and shame.

‍Shane Jacob

Awesome. Looking forward to your book about boys and men being grit. I think that there's ideas that we've had in the world, maybe they're changing of how we perceive weakness and what grit is, and really what toughness is, and really what courage is. it used to be that some things that were, and still are, perceived as weaknesses is something that's really, I think, manhood and boyhood. Do have any thoughts on that?

David Ask

Yeah, you know, I think I grew up largely in a kind of an older school society where, you know, if on a basic level, and we've heard this before, right? “If you cut your hand or whatever, you better wrap duct tape on it and keep on going.” Well, sometimes that's actually quite appropriate. You know, don't be a sissy. Like at the same time, I grew up in a family where if you needed five or six stitches, you still wrapped duct tape on it and walked it off. Where, okay, come on, you know, you're human, be self -aware enough to care for yourself and love yourself enough so that you don't have to have some deformed finger or stupid surgery later.

And so, I think there's that balance between, yeah, just understanding is the task at hand worth pushing through right now? Or, you know what, self-care is a bit more important. And then of course, just this idea of emotions and so on. Sometimes we... There's a, I think a popular sentiment out there that we cannot trust our emotions. Well, you know what? I think there's some validity in that. At the same time, I like this idea of following the clues, right? When you start kind of acting in alignment with the person that God created you to be, you know this idea that why am I different from my brother or my sister for that matter? And why am I different from you? And I start dialing in those things, man, my emotions are really important because they give me clues as to, am I headed in the right direction, you know?

And again, that's not necessarily that the clue might be something as easy and even makes me happy. It might be that I've actually driven a stake in the ground, and I'm willing now to do hard things and, you know, experience severe opposition because what I'm doing is I believe in it. And I'm not looking for happiness, I'm looking for fulfillment. And there was a huge difference there. So, I don't know, does that answer your question?

Shane Jacob

Yeah, that's, it does. I just wanted to come back, I guess, and just ask you, you know, just listening to you today and your experience and your own life and in helping others… What, I don't know, any thoughts on like, what can listeners do to like move the needle in their own lives?

David Ask

Man yeah, so I think again, you know kind of these pillars. It's you know self-awareness, but to me that includes, you know your faith, right? Your mind, body, and spirit. You really needed to decide what you believe about who created you, right. It's a big deal. So I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna go too far there but that that idea of self-awareness also a support system your inner circle

Right? If you think about the nights at the round table, and I just, I sent a picture of the nights at the round table I created with the chat GBT the other day, sent that to a buddy of mine. And I said, I'm glad to be sitting at this table with you and your support system, you know, that inner circle is just absolutely important. And so pick those people, right? When, when I heard somebody say the other day, by the way, everybody is a counselor.

Meaning if you open your mouth, you're giving counsel. So make sure that you listen to people who are wise, people who've fallen down a bunch and gotten up and who do justly and love mercy and walk humbly. Because quite often you're gonna listen to somebody who actually is just very compelling, but what they have to say is absolute horse hockey. So you gotta be careful with that.

And then I think, you know, lately, I'll be honest, if I'm going to just maybe spitball in here, I think this idea of self care is just really important. That's something that I didn't learn very well. And so I think to, you know, to love your neighbor as you love yourself. I think most of us need to spend a bit more time on that, you know, whether that's just some mental space, right? Just block out the noise. Be willing to think your own thoughts and trust your own thoughts.

You know, care for your body, care for your spirit, surround yourself with great people, make sure that you're being filled and make that a priority. Otherwise, you you're gonna suffer and everybody else around you is as well.

Shane Jacob

Right on. Yep, I'm with you. Stay away from the horse hockey.

David Ask

That's right. I got that from that old movie, MASH.

Shane Jacob

Yeah. David, tell us about the music you're making and some of the cool things you've done and what tell us what's out about what exactly do you do? Tell us all about it.

David Ask

So, you know, it's funny, I moved to Nashville and a few years later recorded a record with my sister that's like a contemporary Christian record. And then my mom was a music teacher. So we grew up listening to, you know, every kind of show tune, classical, you name it. So largely my music can be defined as kind of popera.

You know, so if you go search David Ask, David ASK, it's on Spotify and iTunes and so on. I've got a few things on YouTube. And, but I, you know, I've been able to sing for, you know, the governor here and at the symphony center and I mean, sing back up and share the stage with a lot of famous people. It's been really, you really exciting in many, I've had some really, really neat moments. In fact, I'm looking at a non -disclosure agreement on my wall that so

I got to sing it, or I'll just leave it, I'll say it this way. I got to sing it, probably is the most famous golf course in the country and four times, but they said I can't talk about it, know, by their, and use their name. But so as a golfer and a vocalist to be able to do stuff like that is really incredible. And yeah, I'm actually getting ready here to record some new music this fall and was actually asked to sing backup for Andrea Bocelli when he was here just a few months ago. And I wasn't able to do it. I had a conflict that night. But you know, I'm grateful. It's one of those things that's kind of a quote unquote side hustle, but man, it's a fun one.

Shane Jacob

To who you are. that's Interesting. David, what would you like to leave us with today? Last thoughts for The Horsemanship Journey.

David Ask

Yeah. You know what, I would say a challenge to the parents out there, back to that quote. The greatest good that you can do for another is not to share with him your riches, but to reveal to him his own. So do yourself a favor and just start asking really great questions about your kids, about what they value. And when you see them doing something that's good and right and pure and noble and lovely, shine a spotlight on it and say something, look them in the eye, pat them on the back, give them a hug and validate that stuff. That's when they're going to start, you know, having a real sense of ownership of who they are and self -trust and self -esteem and all that kind of thing. It's really, really important.

Shane Jacob

Appreciate that. Super solid advice. Thank you so much. David, where can people find out about what's the best way to reach you find out what you got going on and all the different things you got.

David Ask

Yeah, well thanks. So my website is davidask.com. If you want to check out my thermostat guard line, you know, if you run a business and want to, or heck, your home for that matter, and want people to stop touching your thermostat, you can go to StatGardPlus.com. And let's see, my, you know what, my email address is hello@davidask.com. So I'm on all the socials and things like that, but I'd love to, love to connect. And if there's something I can do for you, you know, your audience, whatever, no strings attached, I'll do my best.

Shane Jacob

Awesome. David, thank you so much for joining us today on The Horsemanship Journey Podcast. We wish you continued success. Ladies and gentlemen, David Ask.

David Ask

Thank you. Thank you.

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