Transcript for this weeks message

Shane Jacob

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this episode of The Horsemanship Journey Podcast. I'm Shane Jacob, your host, and I thank you for taking your time to be here with us today. Today, we're proud to present Sophie Deslauriers. Sophie is a love and money coach. She helps people heal from the past, reclaim their power, attract love, and build the wealth that they deserve. She recently redefined her focus to support women to heal the relationships they have with themselves, reinvent themselves and how they show up and heal from heartbreak, feel in control again, ooze confidence, feel sexy, attract their perfect match, and build life on their terms. I think what you have is going to abide men and women today. Sophie, thank you so much for taking your time to be with us.

Sophie Deslauriers

My pleasure. Thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here.

Shane Jacob

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Right on. Well, let me just tell you this. I read your introduction and your letter when you reached out to us, and usually I skim those things. And when I read it, I read it from the first word to the last word. I was taken in with your story. And I'm taking in your story because it has, your story has a lot of resistance in the beginning that you've overcome, and it's an incredibly interesting story. So I'm hoping maybe you can just begin at the beginning as you as a teenager or young, wherever you want to begin, and kind of just walk us through how your early time.

Sophie Deslauriers

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Sure, so I think it's important that I go back to early childhood because my parents divorced when I was two. And the reason that's important is because I feel that many humans don't really fully take into account the kind of abandonment that gets created when parents divorce, especially when the child is such a young age. And the reason I'm saying that is because later in life I started to understand what that abandonment actually manifested into for me.

And so while we could sort of my childhood, my teenage years, I think that that's a really important piece just to preface the whole context of what we're gonna talk about today. So, my parents divorced when I was two. In my early years, I'm gonna give you some highlights and then if there's something I say you want me to unpack a little bit more, I'll unpack it a little bit more. But, there's a lot of detail I'm not gonna necessarily go into. My parents divorced when I was two. When I was about 10 years old or so, my mom had an accident. She was electrocuted.

So she was a daycare educator. It was a birthday party, or they were taking some form of picture back in the day. I'm 48. So, imagine I was 10, 38 years ago. Pictures were taken, the flash was like an old style camera. You put like the manual flash on top and then you plugged it into the wall. And unfortunately, the electrical outlet was faulty and she had her bare feet wrapped around a metal stool. And if you know anything about electricity, grounds in metal. So the current, she was electrocuted, the current went through her hand and then all the way through her body and it stopped in her feet which were wrapped around the metal stool. And it blew her feet up like seven or eight times the size of her normal foot because of the way the electricity impacted her body.

The people knew that she had a heart condition, so they checked out her heart. Her heart had stopped. So they called an ambulance, and her heart ended up not being the issue. The issue was that she was rendered disabled. She couldn't walk for five years. She went from... They had to make customized boots for her. She went from, you know, back in the day too when you had a cast, they had like a cast boot around the actual cast. She had to wear those as shoes because her feet were so swollen from the accident. And then she went into customized shoes, and she went from a wheelchair to crutches to canes, to finally being able to walk again, and then finally being able to wear normal shoes.

And so that process when I was like 10 years to, I don't know, 16, 17 years old was a pretty traumatic experience for me. And it's one of the highlights in my life that starts to show you the type of trauma that I went through. So there was the divorce and then there was that.

Then my father was not in the picture for most of my life. We had short visits one or two times a year. But there was a long period of time between the ages of like nine and 16-ish or so or maybe it was more like13 to 19 something like that, my memory is a little foggy now, where he was just not in my life. My mom had remarried she married an abusive alcoholic, so there was that that was going on in the home.

And then I went to university about like a normal person around 18, 19 years old. So, I started working full time when I was 13. Went to university, I took environmental resource studies, and I was an entrepreneurial type individual. So, I opened up a business called College Pro Painting. They have that across North America where college students, university students ,open up a franchise. And then they get assigned a territory, and they go knock on doors and ask, at the time, it was the man of the house who was more responsible for that type of activity like painting the house. And so, you bid the house, you bid the project, and then you execute, and you paint. It all sounds fantastic except for with this type of franchise model, I started about $10,000 in debt. And I was already an OSAP child at that time because my parents didn't have the money to put me through school.

So, I had an OSAP loan, and then I was ambitious and entrepreneurial, so I started this business, and you start $10,000 in debt. What they didn't, they assigned me this community, and it's in old Guelph here in Ontario, which is a very wealthy community. They thought, you know, because I was an astute and intelligent young lady with this articulate way of communicating, I would do well with wealthy people. Oh, what they didn't know is I was afraid of heights. So, these old Victorian four story homes pose a little bit of a challenge for my fear. And I felt a little, not a little, I felt inadequate because I came from very humble beginnings.

And then, so now we're putting me into these homes with these wealthy people where I feel not good enough, and I'm afraid of heights that wasn't really a very good fit for me. And I remember these clients, the men of the house, would want me to climb a ladder to check out their soffits to see if the soffit was rotten or not to determine whether it needed to be replaced before it needed to be painted. And I was just like, you want me to do what? So, I got smart. I hired a professional painter, and then he would bid the job for me so that I knew what my fixed cost would be. And then I would go to the principal in the home, mostly the man, and I would upsell from there. And then I had a fixed cost, and I would know what my margin would be, how much money I was gonna make. And then that's how I pulled myself out of that situation. But, that was a challenge.

Went through university. After university, I started the business. It was a spa, an antiaging spa. And you know what most people do when they are a hairdresser, or they're a spa, they go work for somebody. They build a clientele. They leave, and then they bring their clientele with them. I did not do that. I worked at a spa. I liked the model. I went outside of the geographical territory. I had a partner. We opened the spa. We had no clients. We had a $250,000 line of, business loan. And we started marketing, and we did well. Within six months we started making $50,000 a month. But three years into the business with the biggest growth years behind us, too much overhead, I ended up going bankrupt.

From there, I promised myself I would learn everything I needed to learn about business. I was already a good salesperson, but I unleveled my skills around that. And, I wanted to become a coach. So, I went and took a bunch of coaching certificates. And then I started coaching and training sales teams and sales leaders across North America. So, I was traveling all across North America, working with Fortune 500 companies, specifically teaching them sales process, sales mindset, sales communication skills, how to open the call, to identify needs, how to close the call. And then with the leaders, I was teaching them how to coach. So how do you coach for performance rather than just tell your people what to do? That's a big distinction for leaders.

But the age of 39, I burnt out. I was, you know, I ended my consulting, one of my big consulting jobs finished. I ended it there. At that time, I was married. I was married about 18 years or so. I got married young. I was about 23 when I was married. So I took a couple of years off just to figure out what was my new direction going to be. And I had these big existential questions like, is there more to life than, you know, making money? At the time my ex-husband and I had built a multi-seven-figure business. We were doing well. As you can hear from my story, I came from pretty much nothing and built my way through it. Fast forward a couple of years, we realized that it was time for us to consciously uncouple. The marriage was no longer a fit for either of us. It was a toxic marriage, if I was being completely honest with you. And we went through a divorce.

Six months into the divorce process, I found a lump in my left breast. I went and got a biopsy, and unfortunately because I had breast implants we had to get a radiologist to do it. It wasn't just a simple process. The results came back inconclusive, so I had to go in for a full lumpectomy. Which I did. It came backstage one breast cancer. At this point in time, I was 42years old, and I had re-partnered and fallen deeply in love with a younger man. And, um, was scared to be honest with you of, I didn't fully know what my treatment protocol was going to be. They needed to send my, a sample of my lumpectomy to the states to figure out some stuff out. And I can remember when the results came back you know they wanted, I was not a candidate for chemo. But I was a candidate for 25 radiation treatments and two years of tamoxifen at the age of 42.

And the gift that cancer gave me is, I could have the opportunity to really reprioritize what was important to me in my life. And so, I was asking myself, what do I want? And something I wanted but suppressed for a very long time was the desire to be a mother. At 42, I had less than a 5 % chance of getting pregnant because of my age. I was considered a geriatric mom, woman, unfortunately. But you know, I get it. My eggs, they just, shelf life to your eggs. And yes, it's totally possible to get pregnant in later life. But let's just be honest it's not probable, possible but not probable. So I asked the doctors, and I think it's really important for anybody who's going though this type of diagnosis. Like when you get told you have cancer, it's one of the most scariest things that you're, I think a human being could hear. Because you think about the food chain, disease and weaponry are the two things that gets humans. You know, we're pretty much at the top of the food chain until you're told you got cancer. And then it's like, the… You face your mortality.

So, I asked the doctor. And this you know, your brain just doesn't necessarily connect the dots. It's not so easy to ask questions. It's not so easy to process information when you're in that level of fear. And I'm lucky I'm strong, and I have the background that I have. And I know how to ask tough questions. So, I said to the doctor, I said to the radiologist first, if I choose not to do radiology, what are the chances the cancer comes back? They said, well, you know, you're young. I was 42, women lived till their eighties. There's a chance cancer could come back just because of the amount of years that I had left. And so that left me with a 30% chance that the cancer could come back. And if I did radiation, it would reduce the chance of cancer coming back by 15%. To be honest, I really didn't think this was a big decrease in chances. So I said, what if I changed my mindset? I changed the way I eat. I changed my lifestyle. I changed a whole bunch of things. She said, we don't take that into consideration. And she actually just walked out of the room.

So I went back to my oncologist, and I was just like flabbergasted to be honest with you. And I said, what are the chances the cancer comes back systemically if I do nothing? And he says, well, Sophie ,that's a completely different spreadsheet. I said, well, could you please get that spreadsheet out? Because I'd really like to know what my chances are. And he pulls the spreadsheet out and he says, “Ok, if you do nothing, you have an 89% chance cancer does not come back systemically in five years. It goes down to 82. Five years after that, it's going to go down to this and like this.” I said, “Just hold up. You're telling me if I choose to do no treatment, I have an 89% chance that cancer doesn't come back. And then every five years, it goes down by a certain number of percentage?” He goes, “Yeah.” I said, “And you're telling me if I do treatment, it's going to reduce my chance of the cancer comeback by 15%?” He said, “Yes.” I go, “I'm so sorry, but am I crazy to think that I have pretty good odds here to bet on myself? Like if I have an 89% chance it doesn't come back, and I completely change my lifestyle, my habits, my behaviors...” He goes, “You know, Sophie, I will back you up on that one.” I said, “Ok because I want to have a baby.” He said, “To be honest with you, with your type of cancer, having a baby is going to increase your estrogen, which is a risk for the cancer to recur. We have to have a conversation about what we would have to do if you were a pregnant woman and the cancer came back.” And I said, “I'm willing to take that chance.” I lived a pretty big life. I had a house in Miami, used to drive around in Lamborghinis. I had a 10-house portfolio. Like I lived a big life. Like there's nothing else I want than to have the opportunity to be a mother.

So, eight months after my lumpectomy, my partner and I tried for a baby. We got pregnant our first try. I now have a three-and-a-half-year-old son. I just passed my five years cancer free in May of this year. And I got back into mentoring and coaching again because I know the difficulty it is to leave a toxic marriage, to get divorced after 18 years, to look at cancer in the eyes, and to follow your heart. And I had a real life reminder of you can either follow and choose your fears in life, or you can follow and choose your dreams in life. And whichever you choose is going to come for you. And so you put your attention on your fear, or you put your intention on your dream. And that's where I'm at.

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Shane Jacob

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Sophie, let me interrupt you. That is so incredible. There's one piece that I read about that, and that was that you slightly mentioned early on, that your mom remarried an abusive alcoholic. And you also, I believe that you were going from women's shelters. And so, I mean, you had to have experienced so much fear as an early teen, and your teenager years as a teenager. And then bankrupt, and then divorce after 18 years. Then now this cancer scare. Which I mean, like you said, I mean, what is more besides a weapon and cancer, what is going to take us down? And now here's cancer looking you in the eye, just, uh… It had to be so chaotic and so like emotion packed, filled, this decision of when like death is looking at you. You’re living this big life and death is potentially looking you in the eye.

I wonder if you could just talk a little bit more about the, you know, how you derived at the decision a little bit more of like, the things that you experienced previously led you to make that decision. And then, I’m wondering if you could talk a little bit more about that?  

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Sophie Deslauriers

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The decision to not do treatment?

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Shane Jacob

Yeah.

Sophie Deslauriers

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So, I started doing personal growth and personal development with a company called Landmark Education back in 2003. So more than, I don't know, 20-some-odd years ago. Human performance has been my passion. Taking radical responsibility is something I was used to doing since I was 20. I knew I had a say. I knew that I have a partnership with the universe. And I knew to bet on myself. I also read a book, I think my future self put it into my pathway when I was younger, called You Can Change Your Brain by Norman Deutsch. And I read how people were healing themselves with blindness. And I'm like, if somebody can heal themselves of blindness, I can do this with cancer. People are healing themselves every single day of radical illness. And so I just, I believed that it was possible.

I didn't need to be certain. I just needed to know it was possible. And the possibility of it was enough for me to put all my intention towards, and I just pulled for that. I got in alignment with that, and I pulled for that. And I was okay if my cards would have gone different. But every day I was like, universe, show me the way. Universe, show me the way. Universe, show me the way. And I just took it one step at a time.

Shane Jacob

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That is awesome. Right before I interjected, you were talking about, people, you can either focus on your fears or you can focus not on something else. You want to go on with that a little bit? Because I think a lot of us are living a small life, and we're focusing on our fears and maybe a little bit too much. And I think at the end of the road, if we're not careful, if I'm not careful, if we're not all careful, if we're not intentional maybe, that we're gonna end up saying, damn it, I squandered my time, and I was not living as big as I could have because I was living too much in my fear. Tell me about that.

Sophie Deslauriers

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Yeah, so being married for 18 years, I had lots of fears, right? You know, as any human would. Like, to leave a marriage is like fear of failing, fear of making a mistake, fear of being alone, fear of being financially destitute, fear of being embarrassed, fear of being judged. And I just got to a point where I was either, I either let my fear win, or I also got to a point where I started to fear regret more than I feared all of that. And I wanted the opportunity to know myself as somebody who went for the full life that I came here to get.

That life I was living was something I wanted when I was young, you know, and it's a lot of what society tells you is what success looks like. You know, you make your money, you get your big house, you build your real estate portfolio, drive around in a fancy car. Like those were all the things that were programmed into my mind. And so like I was conforming to what society told me would make me happy or successful. And when I got there, it was a lie. Like that wasn't happy for me. And I started to want to know that I could follow my heart and try something different. And I had the courage. I made the decision, my life is not going to go this way anymore. And I had the insight, the foresight to look into my future and see what was going to be there for me if I didn't make a change. And so I didn't want that. And I was young enough to have a completely different life. I still had time, and I wanted to give that to myself. And so, I took the leap of faith, and I made the jump and it was scary.

Shane Jacob

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Right on. Right on. You talk a little bit about reclaiming your power and the gifts that you can get from reclaiming your power. Tell us about that.

Sophie Deslauriers

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Well, I think that for most of us, we give our power, and we don't know what we're giving our power away to. We give our power away to our thoughts, our fears, our doubts, our insecurities, the way society has conditioned us to live. This thing called gender roles, that's a conditioned social construct that just causes a lot of women to have anxiety. Anxiety leads to inflammation. Inflammation leads to autoimmune diseases and also cancer.

So, we have to start to realize that the only human, the only force that's gonna give us what we really want in life is ourselves. And that's about taking the power back, stop letting our fears win, stop letting our thoughts win, stop letting our doubts win, stop letting our insecurities win, and actually be in the moment making a conscious decision, moment to moment, a conscious choice moment to moment that lines up to the future that you really want. Otherwise, we're gonna live a life by habit, not a life by design… A life by programs, like by society's programming, rather than a life on our terms.

Shane Jacob

Right on. What about what about this emotional regulation?What does that have to do with our personal power?

Sophie Deslauriers

So, we get triggered in life as human beings. You know, your parents are probably one of the people that trigger you the most. Your children are probably one of the people that triggers you the most. And it's like this, okay, so when somebody goes through a divorce, it's emotional chaos. And if you are unable to regulate your emotions, that version of you who's in emotional chaos is going to lash out, become defensive, be blaming, have a victim mindset. It's not gonna show up great at work, not gonna show up great in the relationships, not gonna show up great when you're trying to attract new love again. So the more you can regulate your emotions, you are in control. You have your emotions, your emotions don't have you.

None of us wanna show up like a five-year-old throwing a temper tantrum in life. I don't believe that. It's just our emotions can be so overwhelming that we can't manage ourselves. So we show up in a way that's explosive and then we go into a guilt and shame cycle, which sucks, and it's not good for our health.

Shane Jacob

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Talk more about that guilt and shame cycle because we all, men, women, I mean, guilt and shame is just a part of this deal. I mean, what advice do you have for people that were more experiencing a lot of shame and guilt.

Sophie Deslauriers

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So, okay, so I'm gonna talk to shame first. So, I had a lot of shame when I left my marriage because there's just so much stigma around the divorce and leaving a marriage and failure. I had shame around coming from a humble beginning of a childhood. I had shame around those sorts of things. When you can own your shame, you have your power. Like who's to say that I'm a failure because I left an 18-year marriage? That's so ridiculous, right? What is a modern thought? So, I own my shame. I chose to no longer live a life that wasn't making me happy to make myself happy. There's power in that. So, you choose if you are following societal standards or you're living life on your terms. Societal standards is going to make everyone feel like shame in my opinion. You but you're living on your terms. You have your power back.

Guilt is one of the most useless emotions to experience because it's going to keep you in a disempowered state. That's going to keep you giving your power away. Guilt is going to keep you small. So the moment you can acknowledge that you showed up like a five-year-old, it's not the way you want to show up, and you can get into communication and own it and repair the relationship with whoever you lashed out on, you take your power back. And then you start to learn how to regulate your emotions so that the next time you're triggered, it doesn't occur the same way. Like the same story doesn't play out in the same way. You take your power back because I don't believe as humans, we want to be showing up and being guilty and shaming ourselves for it. You know, there's what the way you're being shamed by society. But then when you show up a way you don't want to, you shame yourself.

That energetic angst from guilt and shame in the body creates anxiety. Anxiety is the precursor to inflammation. Inflammation leads to all the autoimmune diseases and cancer. So, guilt and shame are emotions that are to make you sick. So, stay out of those emotions.

Shane Jacob

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I love your passion. I could ask you so many questions. We could go on for such a long time. It's amazing. You have a program, and think it includes six modules, if I'm not right, six pieces of it. And I've used up a lot of this time that we've had here today with your story, where you come from, your perspective, which I think is extremely important. And you've talked a little bit about the transition, but you know, the thing of it is, Sophie, I really don't think a lot of us can really visualize and see the other side. So, I mean, we just don't know what's possible for us to do. And one thing that I noted about when I read about you and the things that you do, is that you say, “Here's what it looks like on the other end of my deal, on the other end of my program. Here's what you can expect.”

I mean, is that really real? What can people, is it available? Can, I mean, is this real? Can I make that happen? I mean, your story is pretty inspiring, but what I want to know is if that can be the same for me. Talk to me about that, and what's on the other end of this.

Sophie Deslauriers

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I believe anything is possible for any human. I truly believe that. I've been in the work of transformation since I was 23 years old. I have seen people transform their lives, transform how they see themselves. I also believe you don't fully have to believe it. You have to start taking action in alignment with it. It's okay to have doubt. That's part of the human experience. I have doubt all the time. It's okay to have fear. I fear every single day, but you know how I address my fear. Good morning, fear. I see you .Good afternoon, fear. Come along, I’ve got something to show you. Good night, fear. Good game today, I won. Right? It's like, fear is part of the human experience that comes along for the ride. You got to walk one foot in leadership and one foot in gratitude, and just move forward with it. Hold fear's hand. Understand it.

But if you let fear win, you're never going to get the transformation you're looking for. And so, it's about making the shifts in your mindset and in your feelings and in your actions every single day that line up to what you want. And then what you're saying is, is people don't believe that it's possible. Well, I also think that what's stopping them is they don't have a vision for it. Right? So sometimes it's about, I didn't fully know my vision after I got divorced. I didn't fully know it, but I had a sense from... it’s going to sound so silly, but watching movies of what I wanted. You know, you kind of have to kind see it. You look to people who have it already. If somebody else is experiencing it, it's possible. Now it's about you shifting and twisting and turning to be in alignment with that so the universe can deliver it. You have to be in a match for what you want. And that's the hard work, becoming the match.

Shane Jacob

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That is awesome. That is awesome. And I don't think it's silly. I mean, developing our imagination, and movies as a resource to be able to see what we want in the future, I think, is a super good idea. That's a great strategy to me. Like I said, I have so much, but I'm just getting started. We don't have all day to be able to do this. So let me ask you this.

Sophie Deslauriers

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Yeah.

Shane Jacob

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Before we kind of wrap this up, if you had a message for us today, take as long as you'd like to answer this, but what would you like to leave us with today after what we've talked about so far?

Sophie Deslauriers

Anything you want for yourself in your life is possible. Anything you want for yourself in your life is possible. It takes a few things, and this is what I cover in my program. You have to create a vision for yourself. And listen, my vision is still unpacking. I don't have it all figured out. You don't have to have it all figured out. You need to take it one step at a time in alignment for what you want. You have to align your thoughts, your feelings, your actions. You gotta be willing to walk in the face of fear and step through the fire. You just gotta be willing to step into courage. It takes courage and leadership. And if you're willing to step into your courage and into your leadership and move in the direction of what you want and you don't stop moving, you'll get there. Anything is possible. I truly believe that.

Shane Jacob

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Awesome. Sophie, if you thank you so much for your story, for your vulnerability, for your time here today. Truly inspiring. I think we can all feel the intensity in your heart. And so how can people find out about having you help them walk down their path?

Sophie Deslauriers

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Thank you. The best way to find me is on my Instagram page, it's at thesophiedeslauriers.

Shane Jacob

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Very good. Sophie, thank you again for taking the time to be with us today. We'll hope to talk to you soon. We wish you continued success. Ladies and gentlemen, Sophie Deslauriers.

Sophie Deslauriers

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Thank you so much.

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