Transcript for this weeks message

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Horsemanship Journey Podcast. My name is Shane Jacob, your host, and I appreciate you for taking your time to join us today. You may know that The Horsemanship Journey has a coaching program for teens and parents called Stable Living, or you may not, because the transition to adulthood is a big deal. And so stable living is a coaching program to support teens and parents through that process. And it is a process, it's a major life process. I mean, and it can be extremely difficult. I mean, just think about it. It's children turning into adults. Andin that timeframe as adolescents, I mean, we're just trying to figure out so many things as teenagers. We're trying to figure out who we are, you know. If we fit in, where we fit in, what things mean and like, what things mean about who we are.

And some of you might have heard my story. You know, as a teenager, and even into my 20s, I just for whatever reason, I don't have any, I can't pin it on my, a trauma or my terrible upbringing. I had a good upbringing and all of that, but for whatever reason I just felt inadequate. I felt like something was wrong with me for some reason. It wasn't a good feeling. And I think to some degree we may all experience this, but in my example, one of the ways that I found peace of mind, and one of the ways I felt better and escaped my thoughts was when I found alcohol, right? And that was relief. It temporarily solved my problem of how I was feeling. So basically, problem solved, you know. Which, and what that resulted in basically a 20 plus year path, swath, of destruction and pain. I caused so much pain and suffering for other people. It's astounding what some of the decisions I made in that process caused, resulted in.

Anyway, that whole story is for another day. But today, what I wanted to talk about is talk to parents and leaders in any fashion. Because having a teenager isn't a cakewalk for parents either. Okay? And it doesn't feel good when our kids act out. Or if we're a leader, when we're not getting the results that we're really going for, we're not getting the cooperation, you know, from our team. So, what I want to say is if you don't have teenagers right now, this applies to you too, if you have children of any age, or if you're a leader in any fashion. So, whether at work or any other kind of organization or whatever, if you have people that you're trying to influence or train or enlist their cooperation, what I'm talking about here applies to you also. Okay?

So, what happens as parents is that we, when we begin, you know, we're kind of scared. We're worried about this new fully dependent being that we're fully responsible for. It's kind of a scary little beginning here. And then as we go along, we start to gain a little confidence. We start to solve their problems one by one. We stop their crying, we doctor their wounds, we teach, and we model. And eventually we get pretty knowledgeable, according to ourselves. Because we're kind of the solution to everything. We're the relationship counselor, like, hey, you quit smacking your sister or I'm gonna smack you. Or we're their health advisor, eat those vegetables. And we're the medical practitioner, know, we have Band-Aids and methylate. I don't even know, do they even have that anymore? Probably not. It would probably work too good, they probably outlawed it. I don't know. We’re their style coordinator. We’re their financial expert. I mean, we’re their everything. We’re their educational superintendent, and on and on until they turned 13. Okay.

Then something magical happens. We as parents no longer have a captive audience because they don't want to listen. And all of our expertise sort of goes out the window for some reason. Our ideas are just no longer believable to our kids. They just don't want to pay much attention to our advice and our requests and our rules. And then someday at times, then they can start acting out in ways that we don't approve of. And what I mean by that is, you know, they might stop talking to you for periods of time. They might start breaking rules, like breaking the curfew, like spending time with individuals that you don't approve of. They might isolate or show signs of depression. They might experiment with drugs and alcohol. They might crawl into their phone and not come out. Their grades are falling. Maybe they're getting into trouble with the law and so on and so on.

And, you know, the same thing applies to, the same thing applies if you're in another type of leadership position other than a parent. When you're not getting, when you have… What was I going to say? Insubordination. When you have, when you're not getting the results. When people aren't following through. When you're not getting cooperation. When your team isn't operating together as a team, it's kind of the same thing. Okay. So this applies to you if you're in a leadership position also.

So what happens next to us as leaders and parents? Here's some of the common thoughts we have when things aren't going the way we want them to. One of the first thing we think as parents is this, is we think the thought, how can they do this to me? When they start to act out. Or you can say things like, well, I taught them better. I've trained them better when it comes to employees. Like, what is wrong with you? What is wrong with them? Can't you see what you're doing? And so these, thinking thoughts like this, thinking thoughts like these lead to a feeling. And you know what that feeling is when we're thinking thoughts like this? Usually that feeling is, is we get mad. Okay.

And you know what we do when we feel angry? Usually what we do when we feel angry is things like raise our voice and threaten, and we try to control and instill fear. And some of us have, not some of you, not me necessarily, but some of you avoid it totally. We just ignore it and fume and boil on the inside. Just let it kind of smolder in there. The thing of it is, is none of these actions that we do in anger, they help the situation. What they do in fact is make it worse. And you know how I know this? It's not just because I heard it from parents and people. It's I know this because I've been a terrible parent, and a terrible employer at times. Plenty of times.

Mike Dawson, a friend of mine and one of my mentors in becoming a farrier that I apprenticed with, used to say that he practiced his mistakes until they were perfect. So these are things that I work on. It's a work in progress.

The next step, okay, when we get angry and a lot of times we let it come out to the people that we love, the people that we're leading, and that doesn't work. It makes it worse. And so the next step that we usually take is we turn the anger inward, when it doesn't work. And then some of the common thoughts that we have next are things like, I suck as a parent. Or I'm selfish. Because you start thinking of all the times when you put your own needs ahead of theirs so that you can prove that you're selfish and you suck as a parent and or leader. I didn't do this. I didn't do that. I didn't do the other. If you're divorced, the problem is, is that you couldn't, I couldn't hold my marriage together, so that's why. You know, I caused all this because I, you know, on and on. We start turning our anger towards us. And you know what we feel when we start to think these thoughts? We start to feel depressed. We start to even feel shame. And you know what we do when we feel depressed or shame? Here's what we do. We take on less of our role, less of our responsibility. We just walk around, we're just like dripping with insecurity. The people that we lead look at us, and they try to run the other way. We act hopeless. Shame makes us hide.

And here's what we don't do, when we're thinking those thoughts. We're not there for them. When we're thinking this way, we don't have the capacity to support the people who need us when they need us the most. And let me tell you something, they need us. They need us. You know what nearly every teen is thinking? And for that matter, what nearly every one of your team members is thinking, and the people in your circle of influences thinking? Kind of the same thing I was thinking when I was young. They're wondering if they're okay. They're wondering if they're as good as everybody else. They're wondering if they're normal, whatever that is. They're wondering if people accept them. They're wondering how they can accept themselves. They wonder if they fit in, if they're whole, if they're complete. They wonder if it's okay to think what they're thinking. They wonder if it's okay to feel what they're feeling. And it goes on. This is what's going on with them, and they get anger. No wonder it doesn't work.

What if instead, what if it was possible instead for you to show up as a confident, loving leader? What if you didn't have all that stuff inside you directing your actions or inactions? Because you cannot show up and have your full capacity to support the ones who need you with all that stuff swirling around in there. That's what we help people do in Stable Living, is manage all this stuff. And it’s a process, you know. And so this is what we do, we go through the process. And we go through the process so that you can show up with more confidence, more compassion, more patience, more energy, more love, and more hope. Now you can help them with what they have going on inside. Now you can give the best of what you've got.

And don't think it's not gonna be problematic still. It's still gonna be difficult, okay? Even probably painful. But the thing of it is, is now you can come through it and on the end of it, you're gonna be proud of yourself. Because you're gonna know that you did what you could from everything that you had inside of you gave what you could. You know, you're dealing with an individual that has their own free will. They're gonna do what they're gonna do. But you, on the other end, instead of having all this not helpful thoughts that are causing feelings that aren't helpful, that is resulting in things that are making things worse. If nothing else, it makes you feel worse. At the end, when you get all this resigned and resolved inside of you, where you can show up and be your best self… No matter the outcome, no matter what someone else chooses, at the other end of this is peace in your heart and really pride for yourself for doing a job well done.

So here's the takeaway for today. If you're a parent or a leader in any way, your people need you. And you can only give to the edge of how good you feel about yourself. You can only help or support someone else or love someone else to the degree that you have your own stuff resolved and that you love yourself. And that's what The Horsemanship Journey, this podcast, and Stable Living is all about.

Hey, thank you for taking your time to be here with me today. And remember, You Cannot Fail As Long As You Don't Ever Stop Chasing It.