Having the courage to establish clear agreements and going about it properly improves relationships

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What you will discover this week:

• The difference between consequences for kids and boundaries for adults
• Why you might be avoiding setting clear boundaries
• How proper boundaries improve the quality of the relationship

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Transcript for this weeks message:

Welcome to this week's ‘You Are Destined For Greatness.’ I appreciate you taking your time to be here with me and with Rose today.

I want to talk about something that you may see. I see quite a bit and you probably do too. And that is that parents that, and this may be you, that are constantly asking their kids to do the same thing. "Hey, do this. Hey, do this. Hey, stop that. Stop that." And they continue to do it, and they don't listen. And it doesn't change. And what happens is who's doing the asking gets more and more frustrated and feels like they're being run over.

See it a lot of times with dogs too. People will say ,"Stop that. Stop that. Stop barking. Stop barking." The dog's like not even listening. It's been asked so many times. It has no consequence, so the dog just keeps on barking. And who's doing the asking gets more and more frustrated and feels more and more powerless.

Between adults, a lot of times what happens is that we accept people's behavior that we don’t agree with or that we don’t want to have in our life. In other words, we make little hints about people… Here’s an example, somebody is smoking around us, and we make little hints about we don’t like that. But they keep doing it, so we keep getting madder and madder. Or another example would be, somebody walks into your house and they don't even knock or whatever. And you just say, "Oh, It's nice to see you." And you kind of fake a smile, and you're like seething on the inside. You're building up all this resentment because every time they come over they just walk in. And you're putting on a happy face, but you're not happy with the deal, okay?

So, here's the deal. My grandpa used to say that good fences make good neighbors. What he meant was, if you have a clear agreement, or fence, that both people understand, you stay on this side and I'll stay on this side. If we have a clear agreement up front that we both agree on, that we get along better, and it makes the relationship better. The question is, is why don't we set these, why don't we have consequences and why don't we set these boundaries? And the answer is most of the time we either don't know how, or we're worried to set the boundary because we're worried about what somebody else will think about us if we do it and if we try to enforce it. Okay? A lot of times these are hard decisions.

So, there's a difference between boundaries with horses and kids and boundaries between adults. Agreements that we have with horses and kids can come with consequences because of the nature of the relationship. We're responsible for our kids morally and legally up to a certain age, so we can have consequences to help control their behavior. Same thing goes with horses. We get to decide what the agreements are, and then we get to enforce what the agreements are. For an example, I have an agreement with this horse that we're working on, that if I'm leading you, you don't go past me. Okay? And if you do, then I'm going to ask you to back up, and I'm going to ask you to stay behind me. And if you keep breaking my rule, my agreement, then I'll increase the level of pressure or the consequence. Okay?

With adults, a lot of times we try to impose consequences, but that never works with adults. It never has a good outcome because adults get to do what they want, right? So, with adults the difference is rather than imposing a consequence on them, what we do when we set a boundary with adults is, is that we have a consequence of what we will do. In other words, if you continue to do this, I will do this. In my example of somebody walks in your house, if you keep walking in my house, “Hey, I have to tell you, I love you, but I don't want you, you can't keep coming in my house without knocking and being let in. And If you do that, I'm going to lock the door, and I'm not letting you in. Okay? And then I need to uphold that if it's going to have any value.

That's the difference between if you do this, this is what I will do, not what I will do to you. Okay? That's the difference between boundaries with adults and consequences for horses and kids. Clear upfront agreements can be hard to make and hard to enforce, but they are so worth it because it enhances the quality of the relationship. And our relationships are what life is about.

The last key is this. When you have the courage and you’re ready, if you’re upset and know you need to set some boundaries, make some agreements, and have some consequences… The biggest most important part of it is to come to the other side of it, come to the other person or to the horse with unconditional love in your heart. That doesn't mean you have to agree with what they're doing. It doesn't mean you have to roll over or any of that. A lot of times love can sound like, "I love you, no more of this." That's the most important part because you'll be more accepted and have a much better outcome.

Hey, remember, You, and your kids, Are Destined For Greatness!